June 4: Spilling my guts
Not a good day. Downright depressing, actually.
While walking back from the Farmer's Market I wasn't sure whether the tight fit on the sunglasses was causing me to sweat or I was crying. It's time to decide whether or not to go on the 'family vacation', which then leads to thinking about my family, which then gets me depressed.
As I've mentioned before, due to multiple reasons I have no close blood relations outside of my mother. I worked very hard to develop ties with the second cousins, with mixed results. Susan is the only one with whom I've always had a 'natural' relationship, others required a lot of effort on my part. Sadly, I've never really felt a part of things. This was amplified when I got sick. Beth, of course, was very present physically and a terrific help in practical matters; Susan (Beth's daughter, in case you lost track) was still in Italy or would have been more involved. Fernando, my step-second cousin (winner of the strangest title for a relative?!) floats in and out of my life, although we have become closer of late.
While I had several boyfriends in my 20s, a couple serious, none of them were husband material. Of one thing I am extremely proud: despite my desperate urge to have a family of my own I was smart enough to realize that these were not the men to attempt it with. This decision was made long before ever knowing of the heart defect, the coping of which might have lead to my death during pregnancy or the inability to carry to term, so in a way it could be looked at as for the best decision on a number of levels.
Having a father prone to throwing things at anyone I brought home during my school years kept me from developing any friends that might have resulted in long-term connections. Since we lived in a fairly rural area there were no other kid's houses to go hang out with. The desire to be able to support myself turned me into a workaholic, which in adulthood decreased my ability to make friends. And in the natural progression of most lives the friends I had got married, then started spitting out kids. As has been already spoken of, I don't do babies or toddlers well, so those friendships drifted apart. Kids who you can have a conversation with are fine, and I do surprisingly well with teenagers. Becoming a step-mom seemed (and still seems) a perfect option. But then, just after turning 41 and right when I was ready to launch myself into the dating scene and being more social, I got sick. A lot of people drifted away, especially when it became clear that my health was turning into a chronic condition. Additionally, coping with serious illness and facing death caused me to be more withdrawn. Then there is the fatigue, which limits me from making plans. So while I'd like to be more social, there isn't a current support network of much note.
Conspicuous by their absence of late in my posts are John and the kids. While I won't bore you with the details, let's just say it was self-preservation that lead to my pulling away. They just sucked everything out of me and gave nothing back. It was beyond being taken for granted, it was a depletion of me physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I'm really great at being supportive and nurturing during a crisis, but being the host to parasites is not acceptable, especially long term. Separating myself became a sad necessity, although I miss Lyle very much. (OK, more of a bashing than I was planning, but it feels really good to get some of that off my chest!)
Even at the depths of my depressive days, there will be something small that will happen to cheer me up, gives me hope and the ability to keep trying and growing. When I sat down with my coffee to get this all out, still close to tears, KC roused himself from his perfectly comfortable nap to come over and butt my hand to have his ears scratched, madly purring the whole time, rubbing against me. This isn't usual behavior for him, and under the circumstances it seemed he sensed I needed some affection. He's happily curled up a couple feet from me, on the table behind the laptop, not a usual place for him to settle. Maybe it's because he's just waiting for me to vacate his favorite chair, but I'd like to think he's staying close to me deliberately.
Life is a series of ups and downs, some days are just easier than others. This is a down/difficult day, and those are going to happen. It's just the way things are, no matter where you are in the journey. The sun will come out again tomorrow, or the day after that, or after that....crap. Of course, the light at the end of the tunnel may be an on-coming train.....
Thanks for checking in, Laurie
While walking back from the Farmer's Market I wasn't sure whether the tight fit on the sunglasses was causing me to sweat or I was crying. It's time to decide whether or not to go on the 'family vacation', which then leads to thinking about my family, which then gets me depressed.
As I've mentioned before, due to multiple reasons I have no close blood relations outside of my mother. I worked very hard to develop ties with the second cousins, with mixed results. Susan is the only one with whom I've always had a 'natural' relationship, others required a lot of effort on my part. Sadly, I've never really felt a part of things. This was amplified when I got sick. Beth, of course, was very present physically and a terrific help in practical matters; Susan (Beth's daughter, in case you lost track) was still in Italy or would have been more involved. Fernando, my step-second cousin (winner of the strangest title for a relative?!) floats in and out of my life, although we have become closer of late.
While I had several boyfriends in my 20s, a couple serious, none of them were husband material. Of one thing I am extremely proud: despite my desperate urge to have a family of my own I was smart enough to realize that these were not the men to attempt it with. This decision was made long before ever knowing of the heart defect, the coping of which might have lead to my death during pregnancy or the inability to carry to term, so in a way it could be looked at as for the best decision on a number of levels.
Having a father prone to throwing things at anyone I brought home during my school years kept me from developing any friends that might have resulted in long-term connections. Since we lived in a fairly rural area there were no other kid's houses to go hang out with. The desire to be able to support myself turned me into a workaholic, which in adulthood decreased my ability to make friends. And in the natural progression of most lives the friends I had got married, then started spitting out kids. As has been already spoken of, I don't do babies or toddlers well, so those friendships drifted apart. Kids who you can have a conversation with are fine, and I do surprisingly well with teenagers. Becoming a step-mom seemed (and still seems) a perfect option. But then, just after turning 41 and right when I was ready to launch myself into the dating scene and being more social, I got sick. A lot of people drifted away, especially when it became clear that my health was turning into a chronic condition. Additionally, coping with serious illness and facing death caused me to be more withdrawn. Then there is the fatigue, which limits me from making plans. So while I'd like to be more social, there isn't a current support network of much note.
Conspicuous by their absence of late in my posts are John and the kids. While I won't bore you with the details, let's just say it was self-preservation that lead to my pulling away. They just sucked everything out of me and gave nothing back. It was beyond being taken for granted, it was a depletion of me physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I'm really great at being supportive and nurturing during a crisis, but being the host to parasites is not acceptable, especially long term. Separating myself became a sad necessity, although I miss Lyle very much. (OK, more of a bashing than I was planning, but it feels really good to get some of that off my chest!)
Even at the depths of my depressive days, there will be something small that will happen to cheer me up, gives me hope and the ability to keep trying and growing. When I sat down with my coffee to get this all out, still close to tears, KC roused himself from his perfectly comfortable nap to come over and butt my hand to have his ears scratched, madly purring the whole time, rubbing against me. This isn't usual behavior for him, and under the circumstances it seemed he sensed I needed some affection. He's happily curled up a couple feet from me, on the table behind the laptop, not a usual place for him to settle. Maybe it's because he's just waiting for me to vacate his favorite chair, but I'd like to think he's staying close to me deliberately.
Life is a series of ups and downs, some days are just easier than others. This is a down/difficult day, and those are going to happen. It's just the way things are, no matter where you are in the journey. The sun will come out again tomorrow, or the day after that, or after that....crap. Of course, the light at the end of the tunnel may be an on-coming train.....
Thanks for checking in, Laurie
posted by Laurie @ 12:00 PM
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