Mom is dying, 6th post

 Again, she's weaker, the good news is less agitated. That said she's still 'picking' at things, which you see in dementia patients but can also be a Parkinson's symptom. She picks at her hair, her face, her arms; there's no damage, but it's hard to watch the difficulty of the movement with no purpose. She's very gaunt, looking more and more dehydrated, her urine more concentrated. She's still very fussy, but hey, she's uncomfortable because she's dehydrating. She was wiping her eyes a lot yesterday, but today it occurred to me that they must be dry, so instead used a wet cloth and she felt better. Will ask hospice nurse tomorrow if there's a gel or something to keep her eyes more moist.

For someone who needs hearing aids and is dying her hearing is incredibly acute. I've heard of this phenomenon, where people get back senses they had previously lost. For the first few hours I managed to clear out a lot of papers in the next room, but then needed to sit, went back to living room. She woke to the microwave, so I was apologizing for eating, couldn't wash anything in the sink, plus the chair squeaks every time I sit down. (What makes it worse is that's a chair I brought over from storage, it had been my late Aunt Barbie's that I was keeping. Now I've discovered it squeaks and isn't comfortable, so silver lining: two chairs to get out of the storage space.) Despite the Ativan she's not sleeping, so will be asking for increased dose tomorrow.

At one point she asked out of the blue & very clearly 'When is Karen going to be back?'  This is a Baha'i whom Mom really likes, and she wants her husband to do her graveside service. They were going up to Boston for 4 days to visit their daughter, and Mom was not happy they wouldn't be available. I answered that they were back tonight, so if she died today they would be available for the graveside, since that wouldn't happen until at least Tuesday. Then I asked 'Is that what you've been waiting for, for them to be back?'  She responded 'maybe', and went to sleep.

For a while she wanted the Muzak off, because they put up pretty pictures, which change every 10-15 seconds, but that also changes the light in the room. Being relieved from Muzak should have been a relief, but then the only sounds were the refrigerator behind me and her breathing, and me not moving in the squeaky chair. I was thinking 'Should I be doing something, like praying more or meditating?' I've been doing both, clearly to no avail. The next time she woke I suggested Mozart via Alexa, and it occurred to me that if I'd thought of that before we could have avoided moving the bed. 

Tried the morphine. Her breathing had been ragged, and it would be a good idea to see her response before nurse comes tomorrow, in case the dose needs adjustment. It definitely quieted her breathing, although she said she couldn't feel the difference. She wants to lie absolutely flat, the wonderful CNA on tonight encouraged her to sit on an incline, but then Mom said her back hurt more. 

Most of the time I'd see her moving and jump to her bedside. The requests are ice chips, the gel that keeps her mouth moist, Vaseline, wipe her eyes, and spitting into a tissue. She's coughing, and getting the secretions in the back of her throat. But several times she called my name, and when I rushed over she smiled and said 'I just wanted to be sure you were still there'. I told her that at some point I'd have to leave, and she said she understood, but she's clearly happier when I'm there.

When I left about 9:00 pm she was sleeping, having just had her night meds, including a regular dose of Ativan. There is a list of things to talk to the nurse about tomorrow, she's supposed to call me in the morning to let me know what time she'll be coming. The staff in Personal Care, where Mom has been for five years, has been just tremendous, and I thank them over and over. 

This waiting thing is rough.