Mom died today

 I got there a little after 11:00, earlier than usual. Her friend had told me she was the same, but when I got there things had clearly changed. Her respirations were still about 40/minute, but her feet were cold, her legs cool, despite her core being very hot. Asked for an axillary temperature, it was 102.7, which equals 103.7 orally. I knew it wouldn't be long. 

Spoke with hospice nurse via phone, main issue was the Ativan was about to run out, both Ativan and morphine were coming in prefilled syringes. Told her the above, asked her to find more of the drugs, as wanted her to be comfortable. 

Beth was coming over in early afternoon to help get more things ready to be taken out to donation. I said to Mom 'If you want to die with only me with you it's going to have to be soon.' My mother has always been reliant on me in serious situations, and even more as I got older. She wouldn't have asked me to be without support, but I knew she would prefer to die with only me with her. That was what I wanted as well, because I didn't want the distraction of another person, or other conversation, I wanted to be fully present with her in those last minutes. 

Clearly there was a part of her that was still aware and she also wanted it to be just the two of us. I was a few feet away when I suddenly heard her breathing change, she got the 'mucus in the throat' sound. I rushed over, expecting that to continue for a few hours, then it cleared, but her breathing was different, and then there were a couple pauses. I grabbed the papers with the Baha'i end-of-life prayers, and began reading them, crying, because it was obvious this was the end. That said, this phase usually lasts for a couple hours. My mother decided, however, that she was done. Within 90 seconds of her rattling beginning and ending, and after only a two 10 second apneic (no breathing) periods she took her last breath as the pulsing stopped in her thin neck, and she was dead. It was 1:19 pm. 

I sat there for over 10 mins, crying & talking to her, because you never have those moments immediately after death again, and there isn't anyone who needs to know urgently, because she was still going to be dead in 10 or 15 minutes. I wasn't sobbing or hysterical, not only because that isn't me, but because I didn't think that her spirit left then, this was just her shell, and didn't look like her with the sunken eyes, gapping mouth, gaunt features, shriveled skin. This wasn't my Mom, it was just the container that was left.

I called her friend Kathy first, then the hospice nurse, then pushed the button for staff. Tears rolling down my face, accepting of their sympathy after they confirmed the obvious, then they left me alone with her again.

Beth arrived to sit with me, the hospice nurse arrived and made the official pronouncement. She asked me questions, then more questions, seemed fascinated by my mother's life story. Maybe this is one of the perks of the job, or maybe she was just letting me talk about my mom, or maybe she got paid more if she was there a certain amount of time. But I happily told Mom's story, because I wanted to remember her the way she was, not how she looked these last days. Medically I know that she died fairly quickly for stopping eating & drinking, but it felt like a lot longer sitting next to her and watching. It was, and is, a huge comfort to know that this was what she wanted, that she was no longer trapped in this body which was such a hindrance. It is also a huge comfort to know that at every point I advocated for her and made sure all her wishes were followed. My Mom got the death she wanted, and that only happens for a fairly small number of people. 

It took another few hours before the man came from the funeral home, and I'll address my one huge mistake in a post to come. 

It's a couple weeks later that I'm finishing this post, because by the time I got home it was after 8:00 and, unsurprisingly, I was exhausted. There were a lot of tears, but not the relief of a good sobbing. I just don't know how to feel.