First day after Mom's death

 It's been a blur, just non-stop. I went to bed exhausted, and had the option of sleeping for 9 1/2 hours, but woke feeling very rested after only 8 hrs, clearly the stress had been affecting the quality of my sleep. Had the BuxMont service on Zoom while got dressed, ate breakfast. The service was on Samhain, which is a very sacred day for Pagans. It marks a turning of the wheel of the year, accepting that death is a part of life, and then our 'new year' starts November 1.

Stayed on after for coffee hour, with about 9 other people, them giving condolences, asking about the end and how I was coping. I'd asked a friend to meet us at Mom's apartment, and she and Mark moved a bureau to my house. It was one my parents & I had brought back from Nantucket decades ago, and is a happy memory for me. It will now stay in the guest room/study up in the front of the house. Kim & I chatted for too long, considering how much still to be done, giving her the spiritual details of Mom's death.

Then it was back to the apartment, more clearing out. Sorting, decisions. I'm keeping too much, but I'd rather have more and then winnow down later. If it goes now then there is no option.  Mark took a big load to Green Drop. There are so many medical supplies left, especially for the urinary catheter, plus diapers and other stuff. And neither hospice nor the previous agency will take them back, boxes of supplies. Hoping her bed will be taken down tomorrow by maintenance, and then it will look as if we're really making progress. 

I'm calm except when telling people or talking about her death. Otherwise, pretty normal. It's hard to believe that it was only about 30 hours ago, it feels more distant. Made a couple phone calls to her friends.

So far, I only have one regret. I left the room while the funeral home guy loaded her on the stretcher, Beth stayed in the room. I didn't want to see her gaunt body, the jutting out of her bones, barely covered by skin, didn't want to be reminded of the bed sores that continued to form despite moving her every few hours. When he called me back to the living room she was all packaged up, with a navy corduroy body bag zipped up, only her face and neck showing. 'Go ahead', he urged me, 'say goodbye to your Mom, it's ok'. I know he was being kind, but I really didn't want to do anything. But, feeling as if it was the 'right' thing to do I kissed her on the cheek. It was cold, like kissing slightly moist wax, since I'd put cream on her face shortly before she died. When I'd held her hand after she died it was still warm, but now she was totally cold and stiff. I instantly regretted the gesture.

Home, now have to find a place to put all this stuff. Spice's only real vice is his love of chewing on plastic, so anything in bags has to be out of reach. I went to the front closet and noticed that two of the shelves, which are piled high, were unstable, really unstable. Had to grab bins from garage, and managed to get all the breakables off just before three shelves came crashing down. The free side of the shelves had become buckled, pulling away, and the pegs that held the shelves weren't long enough to compensate. Outside of irritation, and panic at a lot of breakables being threatened, my main feeling was 'This is NOT on the schedule.'

Ate a yummy dinner Mark prepared, and then went to work. Email to nursing director with multiple questions, email to chaplain there with Mom's obituary that she wrote, email to billing gal to tell her Mom had died and ask for a revised October statement before I submit to the long term care insurance. Then looking up who will pick up furniture from my storage so the couple of pieces I want from Mom's can fit in, discovering after much searching that no one is taking china cabinets, and that's the piece that I most want out, and is heavy as hell to move. That all took time, my older computer, which I prefer for typing on as it's larger, is acting up and taking too long. After a few more emails I wrote the obit for Facebook.

There is still so much to be done. Tomorrow have to drive to Bethlehem to meet with funeral director, not entirely sure why, but apparently they won't start digging the grave until after I meet with him. Taking the ring and spoon (story later) to be in the casket, and know now I will not kiss her body. I was never told to have joint checking, I'm PoA on her account, but it should have been joint (why did no one tell me?), so need to get to bank. Spice has a URI, need to get him to vet tomorrow. Need to call her last living college friend, need to call her cousins that she wasn't all that close to, but she wanted them to know. Need to go to jewelers and have her favorite sapphire ring checked to be sure the stones are all ok, because I want to wear it when she is buried, but won't risk it being on my hand until sure the stones are ok, so have been wearing on a chain. Want to get a couple more pictures printed out. Need to get all the furniture cleared out and arrange pick up for donation, it looks as if they are already several days out for scheduling, and I'll have to pay for the apartment until everything is gone.

Telling myself that after the burial and clearing out her apartment it will slow down, I'll be able to breathe. Also know that it will be the quiet moments then that it will really hit me, that she's really gone. I am so glad that she is at peace, and out of her tortured body, and the weeks we had at the end of her life were very special.