June 6: Cemetery shopping day!!

One of those things everyone puts off, but really, it's not bad when you do it without worrying about a loved one just having died.  I highly recommend this more relaxed method.  The weather was gorgeous, perfect for  tromping around a cemetery.  This should have been done years ago, but it wasn't, and that (of course) means there is a (somewhat long) story involved.  (Note:  I edited down on June 7, so it's a bit shorter for you now!)

Everyone loves my mother, who is very sweet and very nice. She wants to believe, and wants others to see her, as wonderfully easygoing and low maintenance.  (Remember that!)  She likes everyone to be happy, have no friction surrounding her.  She accomplishes this by not expressing her opinion on controversial issues, not telling people what she really thinks of them and by not dealing with anything unpleasant.  I, obviously, am nothing like my mother. 

But in life there are unpleasant things you can't avoid.  An important category is, of  course, planning for your demise.  My mother knows this is inevitable, but it doesn't mean she wants to do anything about it.  She's 84 and doesn't have a current will, despite my nagging for the last ten years.  (Seriously--10 YEARS!)

It's just the two of us as far as the burial is concerned.  There is a family plot up in NY, but several years ago she announced that she didn't want to be buried there.  While it wouldn't have been my choice either it seemed the easiest: the plots would be free of cost, and it's roomy with three spots left.  Nothing like having some elbow room between your corpse and your dead relatives.  But Mom announced that it was 'too far away' from the standpoint of a Baha'i, which has been her faith for over 25 years.  The Baha'i faith says you have to be buried within an hour of where you die; not where you live, but where you die.  They believe the soul is confused if the recently deceased body is too far away.  This doesn't make sense to me, especially since I believe I've seen souls around the recently dead departing with no problems, and if you know anything about my time as a paramedic you know I speak from a lot of experience.  But hey, to each his own. 

So, here's Mom's list:  within an hour travel by car (or something, she got vague again), in a plain pine (or other hard wood) coffin which has no nails, her body covered with a white shroud (in cotton or silk, no linen), facing west, body not embalmed and graveside service.  There is a special ring you have to be buried with that says you are returning to God (shouldn't he already know that?) and special prayers that need to be recited at the grave by other Baha'i followers (there are no ministers in her faith).  And it needs to be somewhere pretty, because the burial site is supposed to be 'surrounded by flowers and nature'.   

What do I want? I'm an Earth/Universe spiritual gal, and I want what's called a green burial:  no embalming, no hermetically sealed coffin, no cremation (I hate the heat).  You are wrapped in a shroud, with or without a coffin which will disintegrate, plopped in the ground and here's the best part: they plant a tree over you.  As your body decomposes it fertilizes the tree.  So, I die, my soul goes up to the ether (without any confusion), and my body becomes part of a tree.  Awesome!

Problem is there are very few green burial places within an hour distance;  apparently the regulations are pretty restrictive.  I call a few local cemeteries and find out there is no body plopping allowed in their graves, and definitely no corpse fertilization of trees.  They recommend a coffin, but at the minimum are required to bury you surrounded in a cement liner to prevent bodies from popping up willy-nilly when the ground shifts (remember New Orleans).  I report all this to Mom, who says she is 'horrified' at the thought of being entombed in cement.  Well, at least we agree on that.

Find West Laurel Hill Cemetery, which is 45 minutes away from Doylestown and has a small area dedicated to green burials.  Call and talk with Lauren, who is incredibly knowledgeable, even about Baha'i burials, actually quoting passages from the scripture. So, make an appointment, pick up Mom and head down.  (I know, that was a lot of stuff in between the start to the main part, but you needed the set-up.)

Lauren is adorable, an incredibly perky 30-ish who is totally devoted to putting the fun in funerals.  (Really, she said that!)  She leads us out to the suitably funeral-esque Lincoln town car, and off we go to the green burial section.  The place is gorgeous, and large--almost 200  acres.   Loads of 125+ year old trees everywhere, huge oaks, maples and beeches, beautiful plantings, flowering shrubs and groupings of  trees.  

We get to the green burial site and then Lauren really dazzles.  She's spewing out Baha'i burial customs and details left and right, clearly this gal has done her homework.  Here's the pinnacle:  my mother asks about facing west, Lauren whips out her cell phone and comes up with not just a compass, but a Baha'i compass that shows you which direction the body should face from anywhere in the world.  Apparently there's an app for that.  Unbelievable.

There is a pastoral meadow over the 30+ people currently in the green section, surrounded on three sides by trees, with the planting over their graves about to start.  There are some fresher mounds without any plantings yet, neatly placed in rows.  She shows us the updated plans put together by an arborist and landscape architect detailing the eventual forest that will come to be as the bodies fertilize beneath the ground.  The area is already lovely, with lots of birds singing, loads of flowers and magnificent old trees; surroundings I'd be happy to decompose in.

We  proceed back to the office to look at coffins and such.  As she drives us around Lauren points out several highlights, the famous and/or wealthy, gives interesting tid-bits on people and burial stories.  Really terrific cemetery commentary, and that can be difficult to pull off.  Mom points to several trees and shrubs she might like to have planted over her, she is very taken with a green Japanese maple that takes a full 100 years to completely mature.  I'm thinking of something a little faster growing. 

Back in the office we go to the coffin sample room.  Unlike on TV, it's just the corners of the different styles of caskets, depriving me of the opportunity to sneak a quick nap.  As promised, there is a plain pine box which meets Baha'i standards, and special shrouds made in the specified white silk or cotton (remember, linen is not acceptable).  They are not, Lauren explains, the same kind as I would need, as the more enveloping shrouds are put on people who aren't placed in coffins.  I stifle the urge to make a wisecrack, but have a scene flit through my head of a solemn service at a graveside interrupted by body parts sliding out at an inopportune moment.   (Now there's a reason for a soul to stick around--what a hoot!)

There is a binder with samples of shroud fabrics., including a sample of raw white silk, which Mom wants to see; the description even specifies that it is appropriate for Baha'i funerals.  It's truly impressive how they can cater to so many faiths.  I'm attracted to a raw silk with a medium gray background and small multi-color stripes, my rationale being if you're wrapped in horizontal stripes it will make your corpse look thinner.  Lauren thought that was funny, Mom not so much.

Next we move to the stones and engraving, which will be on a monument wall with the names in correlating rows, but no gravestones.  Mom's a little put out that there isn't a grave marker, but admits it wouldn't work with the tree.  She also wants to see the type set of the engravings, as well as the granite, which is being re-purposed from curbs in Philadelphia; it is dark & light gray with sparkles through it--really lovely.  Mom approves of the granite as well as the Times New Roman-style script that will be used for all names on the memorial wall.

Prices are discussed, Lauren urges us to talk about it and not make any decisions lightly, but also says the price is being increased more per grave soon, so that gives a little urgency.  (Yes, that is a standard sales pitch, but she even offered to call us before the increase went into effect!)

After lunch and some errands we are back at Mom's.  I go over all the paperwork with her, the information gathered from other phone calls, admit this place is more expensive but that it includes everything and they are, clearly, very up on Baha'i burial practices, as well as green burials.

I say to Mom:  'So, what do you think?  Outside of my input, does this place work for you? Meet all the requirements that are important to you? Would you be satisfied being buried here?'

My mother smiles, gives a breezy wave of her hand and says with complete and utter seriousness:  "Well, you know, I'd be fine with anywhere."


Thanks for checking in again,   Laurie