June 30: It's all good!

This evening is the official start to my 'staycation', and it is very necessary. With the exception of Edie's memorial service in NYC I haven't had a day off since last December. I am planning a short trip: to see my friend Nana, who moved to Gettysburg about a year ago and has been asking me to come out and visit. We met on the Egypt trip, she's the only one I'm still in contact with. My plan is to go out for 2-3 nights, returning Tuesday after traffic has died down. My only requirement to her was that I MUST see fireworks--one of my favorite things!

Tabitha has another UTI and is back on antibiotics. Somewhat concerning. She's 14 years old now and things are going to happen. She's the best bed cat in the world: always curls up a my right hip and snuggles while I'm falling asleep and is always there in the morning. She seems to know when to meow to get me up and when to let me sleep in. She's also my most reliable lap cat. In awareness that problems will happen I'm now collecting Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons to try and get waterproof covers for the furniture. Got one for my bed and one pillowcase, need several more. Looking on line there is a surprising absence of waterproof sofa coverings, so I'm going to follow one suggestion and get waterproof mattress covers and then a nice looking cover over that. More expenses not planned for....

So: health. My cholesterol is down incredibly on the medicine, helped by my regular exercising and really being good about my diet. My cardiologist was thrilled, said he'd rarely seen such a dramatic reduction. He also gave me the results of the three week cardiac monitor and there was NO v tach! This is much better than a couple years ago.

It's finally starting to occur to me that maybe my time on earth isn't as limited as I'd thought. This actually requires an entire new thought process. When you are prepared to die, and then prepared to live a short time and die, there are mental things you go through. Maybe I should be jumping up and down with glee, but having been prepared to exit early and things changing is actually somewhat disconcerting. There is still a part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to change the thought process so completely.

After about 10 weeks of walking 2-2.5 miles several times a week, 2-3 long yoga sessions a week and 10 minutes every morning I'm finally showing a 9 pound weight loss, which doesn't seem enough for all the sacrifices. Yes, it's something, but not even enough yet to fit into a smaller clothing size. On the positive side it means that the clothes I've been wearing fit better, and even allow room to take deep breaths. So, this is progress, although I'm hoping something in my body will click and start dropping pounds and inches faster.

Feminist vs Female: a difficult choice.....
I'm walking on the 'main drag' in Pville on my way to the little movie theater, meeting a friend to watch 'Cave of Forgotten Dreams' about the cave drawings in France. I'm dressed in long jean shorts, a fully covering t-shirt and walking sneakers--not really a fashion statement in anyone's mind. An SUV pulls up alongside me and a window is rolled down. This isn't unusual because people often stop and ask for directions or where the best parking is. With what I hope is a pleasant expression on my face, prepared to answer one of these questions, I pause and turn towards the window. There is a rather cute guy, about 22-25 years old who catches my eye and then says "Show me your titties!" Certainly not what I was expecting. I turned away, properly offended at the sexist statement and disappointed the town was attracting such types and continued on my way. About a half block later it suddenly dawned on me: I'm a pudgy 48 yr old who just got solicited by a kid young enough to be my son. On a personal level this really isn't offensive, it's a compliment!

Tomorrow's a busy day: heading for BBB to get some of the waterproof things in the morning, then meeting up with Susan, Mirko, Beth & George for lunch as they head up to NH. Then back to the house where a nice girl will come and thoroughly clean so I can further enjoy my quality time at home. Marilyn, bless her heart, will stop by in the evening to have me show her how to give Tabitha her antibiotic pill, which is allowing me to desert her for a few days. Not sure if I'll head to Gettysburg on Saturday or Sunday, Nana is fine with either.

Thanks for checking in, Laurie

June 18: general update and happy decision

Picking up the Fridays at work has really tired me out. While I expected to be a bit more fatigued, working four days a week has corresponded with things changing in the office as well. We are in the process of switching over to EMR: electronic medical records. This is a necessity in today's world, and the doctors put it off as long as possible to allow for better systems to be created. Insurance companies, as well as Medicare, have been giving deadlines for physician offices to change over, after which there is a penalty if you are still using paper charts. We knew it was going to be an adjustment, but it's a colossal PIA, as is any major system change. Additionally, many insurance companies are now refusing stress tests without prior authorization, and one wretched company in particular (starts with an 'A') is requiring peer-to-peer reviews for every test. So both of these things are now eating into whatever down time there was between tests. So I'm coming home totally exhausted.
A 'normal' month will mean working two Fridays, but I've asked Lora, the nurse who works Tuesdays and with whom Fridays are split, for some extra days. Since she can always pick up extra shifts at the hospital she's been very gracious about giving me some of her days. So, happier checking account, more tired me. But everything in life is a trade-off.
I've made a decision which is not fiscally wise, but is making me very happy: another big trip. The same history professor with whom I went to Egypt is doing a tour of Greece & Istanbul (Turkey) in October. While I went to Greece along with my mother with her work group in 1997 this tour will cover areas that we didn't see or weren't there at that point, such as the new Acropolis Museum. Istanbul has long been on my list of places to visit. It's a one shot deal as Ken, the guy who runs these tours, is in his mid-60s and winding down. I checked with my travel agent and she couldn't find anything equivalent. So, despite the fact that I've just gotten back on my feet financially and this will really stretch things, it's just too exciting to me not to go. My mood and incentive to exercise immediately increased, so that means five months of happier me even before going, and then all the lovely pictures and memories afterwards. This is going to require some sacrifices and juggling, but it's something I very much want to do. While no one knows when they will have physical problems it's more a given with me at some point. A part of me thinks that socking as much money away as possible is the most important plan, there are just some times when you have to go with impractical but fulfilling. My decision was made and money already spent before the riots in Athens started this week and increasing unrest in the border of Turkey next to Syria began. I purchased trip insurance, which kicks in if the US declares a travel warning, so things are as covered as they can be.
One of the first sacrifices is the family vacation in NH. Not as much a sacrifice as maybe it should be, based on my venting in the last post..... I told them all along that my presence was only tentative, and there aren't any arrangements that change because of my coming or not. Susan will be disappointed, but will understand. Since that week was already scheduled off (July 4th week) and Lora already changed her hospital schedule to cover the office, I'm going to do the increasingly popular 'staycation'. There are a lot of things in the area I've never seen; Valley Forge Park is only 4 miles away and while several hikes and drivethroughs are regular for me I've never been on the official tour. There are crystal caves in Lehigh, and I haven't been to the Phila Art Museum in years.... So that week I'm not going to think about organizing or paperwork or anything pragmatic, it will be a true week off from normal stuff, just staying at home. I'm actually very excited about it.
Leaving the house shortly for Joanne's: her one son just graduated high school (making her feel very old!) and the other one middle school. And then there's a summer solstice/full moon party at Fellowship.
Thanks for checking in, Laurie

June 4: Spilling my guts

Not a good day.  Downright depressing, actually.

While walking back from the Farmer's Market I wasn't sure whether the tight fit on the sunglasses was causing me to sweat or I was crying. It's time to decide whether or not to go on the 'family vacation', which then leads to thinking about my family, which then gets me depressed.

As I've mentioned before, due to multiple reasons I have no close blood relations outside of my mother. I worked very hard to develop ties with the second cousins, with mixed results. Susan is the only one with whom I've always had a 'natural' relationship, others required a lot of effort on my part. Sadly, I've never really felt a part of things. This was amplified when I got sick.  Beth, of course, was very present physically and a terrific help in practical matters; Susan (Beth's daughter, in case you lost track) was still in Italy or would have been more involved.  Fernando, my step-second cousin (winner of the strangest title for a relative?!) floats in and out of my life, although we have become closer of late.

While I had several boyfriends in my 20s, a couple serious, none of them were husband material. Of one thing I am extremely proud: despite my desperate urge to have a family of my own I was smart enough to realize that these were not the men to attempt it with. This decision was made long before ever knowing of the heart defect, the coping of which might have lead to my death during pregnancy or the inability to carry to term, so in a way it could be looked at as for the best decision on a number of levels. 

Having a father prone to throwing things at anyone I brought home during my school years kept me from developing any friends that might have resulted in long-term connections. Since we lived in a fairly rural area there were no other kid's houses to go hang out with. The desire to be able to support myself turned me into a workaholic, which in adulthood decreased my ability to make friends. And in the natural progression of most lives the friends I had got married, then started spitting out kids. As has been already spoken of, I don't do babies or toddlers well, so those friendships drifted apart. Kids who you can have a conversation with are fine, and I do surprisingly well with teenagers. Becoming a step-mom seemed (and still seems) a perfect option. But then, just after turning 41 and right when I was ready to launch myself into the dating scene and being more social, I got sick. A lot of people drifted away, especially when it became clear that my health was turning into a chronic condition.  Additionally, coping with serious illness and facing death caused me to be more withdrawn.  Then there is the fatigue, which limits me from making plans.  So while I'd like to be more social, there isn't a current support network of much note.

Conspicuous by their absence of late in my posts are John and the kids. While I won't bore you with the details, let's just say it was self-preservation that lead to my pulling away. They just sucked everything out of me and gave nothing back. It was beyond being taken for granted, it was a depletion of me physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I'm really great at being supportive and nurturing during a crisis, but being the host to parasites is not acceptable, especially long term.  Separating myself became a sad necessity, although I miss Lyle very much.  (OK, more of a bashing than I was planning, but it feels really good to get some of that off my chest!)

Even at the depths of my depressive days, there will be something small that will happen to cheer me up, gives me hope and the ability to keep trying and growing. When I sat down with my coffee to get this all out, still close to tears, KC roused himself from his perfectly comfortable nap to come over and butt my hand to have his ears scratched, madly purring the whole time, rubbing against me. This isn't usual behavior for him, and under the circumstances it seemed he sensed I needed some affection. He's happily curled up a couple feet from me, on the table behind the laptop, not a usual place for him to settle. Maybe it's because he's just waiting for me to vacate his favorite chair, but I'd like to think he's staying close to me deliberately.

Life is a series of ups and downs, some days are just easier than others.  This is a down/difficult day, and those are going to happen.  It's just the way things are, no matter where you are in the journey.  The sun will come out again tomorrow, or the day after that, or after that....crap.   Of course, the light at the end of the tunnel may be an on-coming train.....

Thanks for checking in,   Laurie