Jan 26: Need to whine about the pain

Anyone who has spent more than a couple years in EMS generally will tell you they have back pain. It is just impossible to use proper lifting techniques when you are pulling people out of cars or from between the toilet & bathtub--generally when they're in cardiac arrest and, therefore, literally dead weight. As mentioned before my back has been an issue before starting in EMS, which then made it worse.

So now being in my late 40s (ouch) it is expected that I'll have some aches and pains. Getting out of bed in the morning involves some interesting movements, although if it follows a day where I've eaten correctly it is much better.
The foot still intermittently hurts, the hips hurt, the shoulders hurt and the chest hurts.
Yoga yesterday, did the same positions that I've been doing (although not as diligently as I should!) but suddenly had pretty severe pain along the sternal incision. This remains the most consistent pain, daily but varying as to how much. While my scar is very unimpressive on the surface, running your finger down the length of the sternum is a different case. The split is only about a half an inch, but you can put your finger into it, it runs from the top all the way down to the xiphoid, getting wider from midway down. Sneezing still hurts. Coughing and laughing still require holding my chest, there is still some lung herniation below where the mesh holds the the upper part of the right lung into my chest. Sometimes I feel the lung hitting it, although anything that causes that usually causes the sternal pain which is worse. Sitting here now it just hurts: a constant ache in the center of my chest which becomes sharper with certain movements or sometimes with nothing but breathing. Deep breathing isn't an option, because that hurts more.  Pain is tiring, physically and psychologically.

Occasionally the thoracotomy incision hurts, as well as the site of the chest tube from that surgery.
And the clicking. The constant clicking. They said by the time the surgery was two years out I wouldn't notice it anymore. But not only do I still hear it I also feel it, as previously mentioned as if there is a watch in my throat. And at night, while trying to get to sleep it's just loud and radiating to both ears, left more than right. Sometimes I just want it to stop, although obviously that would be a bad thing.

Yes, I'm doing very well. Yes, things are better than a couple years ago. Yes, my recovery is more than ever anticipated. Yes, having had repeated surgeries leads to more complications than most. Yes, these things are the result of my survival. Yes, it seems unappreciative to be complaining with many other blessings.  Yes, there are many other people who are much worse off.

But it doesn't change the fact that every day means pain, the only question is how severe and constant. And the clicking: tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick.
OK, back to the regularly scheduled positive programming.   Laurie

Jan 23: General updates

I plead my usual excuse for not posting for a while.... Always mean to 'tomorrow'.... So, briefly:

-Worked a couple extra Fridays. Great for the checking account, absolutely exhausted me. Also had to do rounds in the hospital a few times, which also is very tiring even though only half a day. Going back to the hospital is necessary; doing on call has been harder since I'm no longer as familiar with hospital medicine and all the newer drugs.

-Dining room finally done! Windows are in there and the kitchen (technically done in December for tax purposes) and my wonderful handyman, Nelson, came over Saturday and painted, put trim back up, etc. For the first time I went out on a limb and painted a room a color--I've always stuck to off white before. Now it's a Wedgwood blue (bluish-gray) with white trim. Looks fantastic!

-Routine cardiology appointment last week. First time ever I did 9 minutes on the treadmill for my stress echo. Cardiologist said the pulmonary pressures were wonderful, totally in normal range and my ventricles are now beating much more in sync. (They were 'diskinetic', or out of sync before, which was believed to be permanent. Yeah for healthy heart muscle!) So I don't understand why I still get so tired and SOB with any exertion that gets my heart rate over 100.

-My cholesterol dropped with going back to being able to exercise: my 'bad' cholesterol, LDL was a horrid 210 last April (should be <160 and with risk factors should be <130) and I dropped mine to 179. Total cholesterol didn't drop so much. This, unfortunately, means that I need to start a statin, because diet and exercise alone will not get it down to 130. The only possible way would be to become a strict vegetarian or vegan, which there is no way I'm going to do, especially with gluten issues. Another drug doesn't upset me all that much, because there are many benefits to statins, including anecdotal evidence of increased bone density and decreased dementia, both of which are major issues for me. (My father and aunt both had multiple small strokes in their 70's which left them both totally disabled and suffering for years, they had the type that is affected by small blockages as nearly as I can tell without either having had an autopsy.)

-Tenant has been quiet and no problems. Yeah!

-Cats are all enjoying warm radiators. For some lame reason it just tickles me to see a cat stretched out on the radiator cover, lying on top of as many of the holes drilled in the top as possible. Often all four of them are on different radiators, basking in the warmth. Cat heaven!

-Miss my Audi terribly in the snow and ice. Once you've gotten used to all-wheel drive it's hard to go back. But another car isn't in the budget for the next several years.

-Mom doing well, her knee is still quiet swollen and she isn't making rapid progress as she was in the first month afterwards. She's upset by this, although I've been reassuring her it's normal. She's waiting until that completely heals, probably a full year, before deciding if she'll get the other one done.

-Have myself on a strict budget with the hope of replacing some of the savings that are now totally depleted. Especially with the first two surgeries I hated using my 'rainy day fund' until it occurred to me that I was in the middle of a continual hurricane. So no safety net now left. Obviously, this is understandable under the circumstances. But, being practical, there is no way of knowing when my health will deteriorate again: could be two months, two years, twenty years. And I've had a tendency to give into my whims a bit too much, figuring I deserve it after the last several years. But it's time to get back to practicality.

-My birthday is tomorrow, I turn 48. Boy, that didn't seem possible for a while there.

So that's the update on major things. Not much to feel philosophical about at this time, but the mood may strike at any moment!

Thanks for checking in, Laurie

Jan 2, 2011: A new year!

There is something about the new year that always makes me evaluate my life. It is a common mile-marker that allows all of us to take stock and for me is an obvious time to look at where I was, how far I've come and where I'm going. As mentioned before, my word for the year is 'Discipline', which is always easier to say than to stick to doing. But my thought is that if I use it as a mantra it might actually sink in.

In addition to this blog I also keep a diary on my computer with even more personal observations. Reviewing the entries for the last couple years has been extremely encouraging because this year is starting with vast improvements in a couple different areas. The first, and most obvious, is in my health. As mentioned in the summer I started to feel better in spring of last year and that improvement has remained. It seems to make sense that it was two and a half years that my body needed to recuperate. There are things that are still guaranteed to get my heart rate up and uncomfortably short of breath: stairs remain my most regular nemesis, anything that gets my heart rate over 100, inclines, fluid overload, upper body stress. But what I can do now compared with this time last year is the best improvement since I got sick, and that is cause for celebration. My sternum still hurts daily, still have to hold my chest when I laugh or cough, it hurts to raise a window, but there is rarely pain around the thoracotomy area unless I've overexerted. The 'pump-head' sensation when I got tired is almost gone, which is a real relief. My foot is pretty good as long as I have my orthotics in and supportive footwear, it won't tolerate even good slippers for very long. It still seems on the delicate side, but I hope will continue to strengthen. The SOB, heart rate and foot would all be improved by dropping 25 pounds and this is a reasonable goal for the year.

Illness has been for many years a leading cause of people's bankruptcy. You just don't realize the number of things that cost you money, outside of the obvious increase in co-pays for both medicine and office visits, until you are sick. So, despite my moving into the house with a rental unit, finances have remained an issue, obviously a common problem in the current economy. I count myself very fortunate to have had a job with benefits through all of this, better than many people have had with or without health issues. But, knock wood, things seem to be caught up on now after adjusting to my decreased income from 'before sick', then having to renovate the rental unit, then Zerla's outlandishly high vet bills. So my goal for this year is to try and actually get a little money into savings. Being practical, my assumption is that over time I won't have my current level of heart function, it would be doubtful that I could work into my 60s. So, as with anyone, the more financially secure then the more options. It will mean some sacrifices and yes, discipline!

While with the goal of climbing Rattlesnake I was very good about walking in the spring and summer but that has fallen by the wayside as I started to do yoga, most often twice a week. But my goal now is some exercise every day: yoga at least one day without a class and the other days walking either outside or on the treadmill.

Doing my crystal therapies has been really beneficial for me. Yes, many would consider it 'out there', but it has no side effects, seems to really resonate with me and certainly isn't doing any harm. Added to this is the need to go back to scrap booking--the family album is years behind as well as wanting to get my trips into books. My best one was the Egypt scrapbook, done while I was restricted at home for two weeks straight with the 'asthma' attack. And I kinda went nuts on eBay last year in buying up things cheaply from people who were switching over to doing scrap booking on their computers, which takes away all the therapeutic value I experience by working with my hands to create.

So, reviewing where I've come to now has been a very positive experience for the start of 2011. I'm feeling better, have the chance for increasing financial security, am more active and generally happier. I hope that next year's review is even more positive, following a year of real discipline.

Wishes for your own positive life review and for increasing health and prosperity to you and yours! Thanks for checking in, Laurie