August 13: Relapse >>>> Meltdown

Almost posted on the 10th, Monday, to acknowledge the three year anniversary of the second surgery. It wasn't until about noon, while writing the date at work, that it occured to me. Does that mean that I'm moving on, getting on with my life? Sadly, it's that it was eclipsed by so many things after that, with the first and third surgeries being worse in their own special ways. And, of course, the very specialness of the thoracotomy, which has it's own painful place right near my heart; that anniversary will be September 21.

So, coming up on the six month mark from the broken foot & ankle sprain (I suspect worse than a sprain), and there was slow progress. Getting around better, able to run errands. Hoping to start walking outside or on the treadmill again, maybe go back to Curves, lose some weight, which should help the heart. Slowly getting the house into better order with the hopes of having people over. Happily planning the two weeks vacation in England this October. Becoming more social again, thinking about meeting new people in the area....

You know this is not going to finish in a happy place, right?

There has seemed to be more pain in the 4th foot bone, next to the broken 2nd & 3rd. The ortho doc thought it was just referred pain when I mentioned it at the last visit a few weeks ago. But over the weekend it worsened. And worsened. Pleasant dinner with Joanne Monday, but when I got home it was just throbbing. Inspection showed that the pattern of swelling was the same as with the other stress fractures. Not making things better was getting up and down all night, because something from dinner didn't agree with me, ending up with my calling out of work Tuesday. Wednesday I went back to using the cane, but it was clear last night that this was more than a little backslide. Today I went back to the boot, calmly recognizing that there was another fracture in the left foot. Moved appointment with bone doc for next Wednesday morning (7:30 am--yuck), but there isn't any question.

If it feels like a duck, looks like a duck and hurts like all the other ducks alongside of it---it's a duck. Years of medical training and experience, along with the fact that I've always been correct in my self-diagnoses, leads to the inevitable fact.

BTW, there is no chance of this being because of my pushing things and not giving it enough time to heal. Since the foot never felt great, still weak and somewhat painful , I was even more conservative than the ortho doc's instructions. Kept the boot on longer than he prescribed, used the cane longer than he said was necessary. Before the family vacation I was taking 15 minute walks around the neighborhood, and stopped when it was painful after a few days. Stayed wearing sensible, supportive shoes.

It doesn't seem to be as bad as the other two, and hopefully by toeing the line (pun deliberate) it will settle down sooner rather than later. But what if it doesn't? How much longer is this going to be an issue? Will it ever completely heal, or is this going to be permanent? I can't continue to make plans for travel at this point. After everything else, will it be the osteopenia that brings me down? Will my right foot hold out under the increasing strain?

Perhaps worse is that by using a cane and pushing myself around on the office chair at home it puts more strain on my chest. So, Wednesday night the chest was pretty painful. Today was worse, and then aggravated by picking up cat food. I did concede my weakness and ask for help getting several 18 pound bags into the trunk, but it was too late. The pain hit while waiting for the store guy to come out with me, and then crescendoed. I barely managed to get into the car before the pain got severe, and immediately swallowed both Advil and Tylenol. But it just got worse. During the 20 minute drive home there was severe nausea, either from the pain or being exhausted, probably the combination.

I stumbled into the house, past hungry meowing cats and collapsed on the couch. Tried to curl up in the fetal position, but that hurt even more. Everything just collapsed inside me, and I started to sob. But the throbbing worsened--it's just wrong when a good cry isn't attainable. Even deep breathing made things worse. My whole right chest was just agonizing pain--like a vice clamped on my sternum, front chest and around to the back: squeezing, a combination of dull ache and sharp pain. All I could do was lie there, propped up on pillows to reduce the muscle tension while the tears just ran down my face. Emotions were the only thing actively occurring: frustration, anger, helplessness, fear, isolation. Yes, folks : a real, honest-to-goodness meltdown.

After an hour of this things had eased up by a couple fractions, allowing movement to get a handful of peanuts, drink some milk and take a narcotic. Back to the couch, and after the second hour I was able to function somewhat. Everything is now dulled to an ache, although deep breaths exacerbate, but that is normal.

One day I want to do one of those past-life regressions, experience and see where I've been before. Because, really, there had to be a better life than this one at some point.

Interesting fact: did you know that Bailey's now comes in Mint Chocolate? Discovery for the night: Just a glassful of Bailey's makes the medicine go down, the medicine go down, medicine go down.... (Joanne responded that she could actually hear my voice singing in her head when I texted her with this happy ditty!)

And a real time saver: all that crying has reduced the amount of mascara needing to be washed off tonight. See? There's always a silver lining!

Thanks for checking in, Laurie