July 12: Yikes, it's been that long?
The problem is that I compose things in my head, and then forget that I didn't actually type them on the blog. The book would be done now if I actually manged to get everything that went through my head down on paper/computer. I try to get to my personal diary and at least jot down major phrases and concepts, but even that doesn't work that often. Serious consideration must be placed into carrying a tape recorder with me at all times for the little pearls of wisdom, etc, that suddenly pop up.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of the third heart surgery. I announced it in Fellowship this morning with the opener of "This isn't necessarily a joy or concern, just a statement....", and that's how I feel about it. It just felt like it needed to be acknowledged as a major event in my life. Recuperation should have been further along, but the foot can be blamed for that in the last several months. Generally speaking there are positives and negatives, as with all things. Everyone keeps telling me how wonderful I look, and even I have to acknowledge that my facial color is better than I can remember it. One of the M.A.s who has worked with me for the seven years at the current job said the staff had actually talked about it one day recently and they all felt that I looked better than since they knew me. This, of course, is the recognition that I was unknowingly deteriorating around the time I started there in Sept 2002, but was putting my fatigue down to learning a new job and doing rounds in the hospitals.
From a purely medical standpoint, my recovery is incredible, beyond any one's expectations. From a personal standpoint it doesn't seem that way. I'm in pain almost constantly, although it's just a dull ache for the most part, worsening with activity or lifting. I'm exhausted working three and a half days a week, can barely function in off time, which is spent recuperating. When I get overly tired something really scary happens: I go back into the 'pump-head' syndrome, my thoughts are slowed and fuzzy, like having to function through a heavy fog. It really shouldn't be a surprise, because long term effects are not uncommon in people who have been on cardiac bypass, and I was on repeatedly and longer than most. (Not, however, beating what is normal in heart failure units, which Rose reminds me of!) The palpitations seem to be worsening, and I'm awaiting my most recent magnesium level taken Friday. So, when people tell me how terrific I look, I just smile and say 'thanks'.
Because of all this my next revelation won't come as much of a surprise. I weaned myself off the anti-depressants a few months ago, and was so thrilled to be doing well off of them because I just hate the idea of being dependent on them. That, by the way, is entirely a psychological matter because they are in no way habit forming or addictive in the sense that you usually think about drugs like pain killers or Valium-like substances. But after a couple months off them it was very apparent to me that I'd gone into a rather significant depression, becoming withdrawn and introverted. Becoming more hermit-like takes some work when you don't go out much anyway, but I even avoided talking on the phone or e-mailing, because it was just too much effort. This lead to a serious conversation with myself which replace the sessions in the past with the therapist who was treating me for PTSD in reaction to my medical issues, because insurance was covering less and less of the visits and it seemed as if they didn't make a difference anyway. So, I asked myself "If a patient came to you as the treating clinician with a story of the medical, psychological, financial and life-altering problems you've had in the past few years, would you expect them to need an anti-depressant?" And the answer, with no debate, was a resounding "Hell yes!" So, patient and clinician decided to re-start the pills. After several weeks, I'm happy to say that I feel much better.
In other news: Martha ran into a glitch a couple weeks ago that necessitated holding her chemo when her white count dropped, but this was after the excellent news that her tumor had shrunk substantially with the first six weeks of treatment. So, another round of the chemo for six weeks, and then a thoracotomy.
My foot is still an issue, coming up on five months. It now hurts when I wake up in the morning, so chances are there's arthritis in there now--no surprise. It swells within hours, but the pain and swelling are less than they were. Ortho doc says now to expect a full six months to recover. I'm now walking on it more, trying to strengthen the muscles and ligaments again, concentrating on a heel-toe walk as I have the tendency to walk too much on the outsides of my feet since the fractures in the sesamoid bones under the first toe joint many years ago, which occurred without trauma and ended up happening on both the right and left feet over a couple years.
Did I mention that the degenerative disc disease is significant enough that I've shrunk ? My adult life I've been 5'4 1/4", although it's been years since that was last checked, because who keeps checking their height when they've grown up? But at the gyn's office I asked specifically, since that was when the osteopenia was on the table. And I now measure at 5'3". Kind of scary at my age. Also explains why petite sizes started fitting better.
On the happy front, the almost-annual family vacation in New Hampshire is in just two weeks. Unfortunately there were too many people who couldn't make it last year, so it was cancelled, much to my dismay. Not sure if John, Martha, Lyle or Emma will make it up at all, but Susan and her kids will be coming from Italy, so I'm really looking forward to that, as well as seeing other family members. This is also pushing me to get caught up on the scrapbook I started several years ago, because there were four years to get in there: one earlier, 1998, and then 2006 & 2007 with 2005 lower priority since I didn't go and only have other's pics. The lovely thing about the scrapbooking is that it fulfills my creative side, which as been sorely ignored in the past several years. I have found it difficult to be creative when in pain.
So, that's all there is time for tonight. I'll try to post again before heading to NH. Thanks for checking in on me, Laurie
P.S. to Deneen: Thanks for the comments on the service. It is my hope that by baring my soul it will help others.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of the third heart surgery. I announced it in Fellowship this morning with the opener of "This isn't necessarily a joy or concern, just a statement....", and that's how I feel about it. It just felt like it needed to be acknowledged as a major event in my life. Recuperation should have been further along, but the foot can be blamed for that in the last several months. Generally speaking there are positives and negatives, as with all things. Everyone keeps telling me how wonderful I look, and even I have to acknowledge that my facial color is better than I can remember it. One of the M.A.s who has worked with me for the seven years at the current job said the staff had actually talked about it one day recently and they all felt that I looked better than since they knew me. This, of course, is the recognition that I was unknowingly deteriorating around the time I started there in Sept 2002, but was putting my fatigue down to learning a new job and doing rounds in the hospitals.
From a purely medical standpoint, my recovery is incredible, beyond any one's expectations. From a personal standpoint it doesn't seem that way. I'm in pain almost constantly, although it's just a dull ache for the most part, worsening with activity or lifting. I'm exhausted working three and a half days a week, can barely function in off time, which is spent recuperating. When I get overly tired something really scary happens: I go back into the 'pump-head' syndrome, my thoughts are slowed and fuzzy, like having to function through a heavy fog. It really shouldn't be a surprise, because long term effects are not uncommon in people who have been on cardiac bypass, and I was on repeatedly and longer than most. (Not, however, beating what is normal in heart failure units, which Rose reminds me of!) The palpitations seem to be worsening, and I'm awaiting my most recent magnesium level taken Friday. So, when people tell me how terrific I look, I just smile and say 'thanks'.
Because of all this my next revelation won't come as much of a surprise. I weaned myself off the anti-depressants a few months ago, and was so thrilled to be doing well off of them because I just hate the idea of being dependent on them. That, by the way, is entirely a psychological matter because they are in no way habit forming or addictive in the sense that you usually think about drugs like pain killers or Valium-like substances. But after a couple months off them it was very apparent to me that I'd gone into a rather significant depression, becoming withdrawn and introverted. Becoming more hermit-like takes some work when you don't go out much anyway, but I even avoided talking on the phone or e-mailing, because it was just too much effort. This lead to a serious conversation with myself which replace the sessions in the past with the therapist who was treating me for PTSD in reaction to my medical issues, because insurance was covering less and less of the visits and it seemed as if they didn't make a difference anyway. So, I asked myself "If a patient came to you as the treating clinician with a story of the medical, psychological, financial and life-altering problems you've had in the past few years, would you expect them to need an anti-depressant?" And the answer, with no debate, was a resounding "Hell yes!" So, patient and clinician decided to re-start the pills. After several weeks, I'm happy to say that I feel much better.
In other news: Martha ran into a glitch a couple weeks ago that necessitated holding her chemo when her white count dropped, but this was after the excellent news that her tumor had shrunk substantially with the first six weeks of treatment. So, another round of the chemo for six weeks, and then a thoracotomy.
My foot is still an issue, coming up on five months. It now hurts when I wake up in the morning, so chances are there's arthritis in there now--no surprise. It swells within hours, but the pain and swelling are less than they were. Ortho doc says now to expect a full six months to recover. I'm now walking on it more, trying to strengthen the muscles and ligaments again, concentrating on a heel-toe walk as I have the tendency to walk too much on the outsides of my feet since the fractures in the sesamoid bones under the first toe joint many years ago, which occurred without trauma and ended up happening on both the right and left feet over a couple years.
Did I mention that the degenerative disc disease is significant enough that I've shrunk ? My adult life I've been 5'4 1/4", although it's been years since that was last checked, because who keeps checking their height when they've grown up? But at the gyn's office I asked specifically, since that was when the osteopenia was on the table. And I now measure at 5'3". Kind of scary at my age. Also explains why petite sizes started fitting better.
On the happy front, the almost-annual family vacation in New Hampshire is in just two weeks. Unfortunately there were too many people who couldn't make it last year, so it was cancelled, much to my dismay. Not sure if John, Martha, Lyle or Emma will make it up at all, but Susan and her kids will be coming from Italy, so I'm really looking forward to that, as well as seeing other family members. This is also pushing me to get caught up on the scrapbook I started several years ago, because there were four years to get in there: one earlier, 1998, and then 2006 & 2007 with 2005 lower priority since I didn't go and only have other's pics. The lovely thing about the scrapbooking is that it fulfills my creative side, which as been sorely ignored in the past several years. I have found it difficult to be creative when in pain.
So, that's all there is time for tonight. I'll try to post again before heading to NH. Thanks for checking in on me, Laurie
P.S. to Deneen: Thanks for the comments on the service. It is my hope that by baring my soul it will help others.
posted by Laurie @ 7:14 PM
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