August 31: On a Lighter Note.....

Somehow, I forgot to tell you all about this.

It was back on July 7, the Monday after the long July 4th weekend. I had spoken to Chrissy, the infamous subject of the Oct 29, 2007 posting, and had mentioned that there were no plans for the weekend, still resting the DF (damn foot). Chrissy was going to the shore with her extended family, but said if that fell through she'd call me. We didn't talk, I stayed in all weekend because of the DF and feeling sorry for myself.

Monday was going to be an easy transition back to a work week, because stress tests didn't start until later, so I wasn't needed until noon. I decided to wash my hair, a chore usually reserved for prior to bed and extended rest. So shower, exhaust fan running, then hair dryer. Making lunch, so of course not dressed, when there is this tremendous pounding on the door and repeated doorbell rings, over and over. Clearly, someone is really insisting on my attention. I divert through the bathroom to get a robe, then out to the front door, which has a lock which allows you to open the door by only an inch or so while still being secure. The knocking and ringing have finally stopped and I open the door in time to hear a bellow of "Phoenixville Police, anyone home?" at the same time that I see the clearly marked black and white squad car parked in front of my house.

There wasn't even time to formulate 'why' as I opened the door. Chester the Tabby Terror is also now tremendously curious, trying to squeeze out and assess the situation, which gives me horrid visions of him leaping onto the officer with teeth and claws bared and the bloody mess which would ensue to the unsuspecting cop. So there is no option except for me to come out on the top step, despite the realization that while my robe is double-breasted it is rather short and there isn't much on underneath. So I'm trying to push Chester back in, close the door and maintain a semblance of modesty in front of my curious neighbors all at the same time. I'm at a distinct disadvantage here.

Officer: "Are you Laura Brooks?"

LB: "Yes"

Officer: "Are you all right?" (Now THERE'S a loaded question)

LB: "Yes, why?"

Officer: "You're supposed to be at work."

LB: "No, I'm not!"

Officer: "Yes, you are!"

LB: "No, I'm not, I'm not due in until noon..."

Officer: "No, you were due in at 9 am..."

LB: "No, we don't start until later today..." (It doesn't occur to me to stop convincing him.)

Officer: "No, you were due in at 9 am (he dramatically taps on his watch) and you're never late."

LB: "Did they change the schedule?" (Like he should know this?)

Officer: "I don't know, ma'am (I HATE being ma'am'd!) but you're late to work and they're really worried about you. They called the radio room and asked us to check on your well being."

LB: "You have GOT to be kidding me?!?!"

Officer: "No, ma'am (ow, that's twice), they called and asked us to check on you because you weren't answering any of your phones and you ALWAYS call when you're late, even if it's only going to be by five minutes. You're very responsible and would never miss work without there being a major problem." (This said in the tone of voice which demonstrates he is repeating what he was told by dispatch word-for-word, this having been transmitted over the radio--a nice big audience)

LB: "Oh, God..." (Which translates as "Oh, crap ...")

Officer: "Have you been sick? They said you were sick and they were worried something had happened to you, that no one's talked to you for days and days (Yes, I'm a recluse, but I prefer the phrase 'in social retreat', if you don't mind), or you had fallen and hurt yourself."

LB: "I fell down my basement steps a few months ago." (Like he cares?)

Officer: "Yeah, they said you were really clumsy." (Great. Thanks. That's the reputation I was going for.)

At this point, we agree that I am alive and intact, he has done his duty and can clear the call while I phone the office and let them know I still live. On my way back through the house I now see the cell phone blinking madly with 3 text messages and 2 voice mail messages, and on picking up the house phone there are multiple beeps indicating a waiting message.  Shower, exhaust fan, hair dryer all masking the sounds of multiple calls. No wonder they were worried. On my voice being heard by the office staff there are multiple exclamations of "You're alive! Are you OK? (to others) It's Laurie, she's alive! (to me again) We were so worried about you! (Yeah, I got that message.) Chrissy has been beside herself, and now she has Dr. G all upset..." (Goody. It just keeps getting better and better.)

I have now realized a couple things: #1: I screwed up and forgot they changed the schedule at the last minute the Thursday before the long weekend and #2: There are many people who are truly concerned about me that I have put through a couple hours of hell. My guilt level is pretty astronomical.

Since, as previously stated, I'm dependable yet haven't appeared at work, poor Chrissy, feeling bad for not having called me, convinced herself, and then everyone else, of a Dooms Day scenario. She pictured me lying in a pool of blood at the bottom of my stairs, a victim of my clumsiness and coumadin, possibly for the entire three day weekend since I didn't have any plans--a pathetic fact now known throughout not only my office but the entire county. While even she will admit to a significant theatrical imagination, it's an completely plausible possibility. This is the reality of being a heart patient who lives alone, takes blood thinners and is undeniably clumsy. And it's the reality that not only I have to live with, but friends and co-workers do as well. This is the not-fun-part.

It all ends happily with me being greeted with hugs and scolding on my eventual (late) arrival to the office. Chrissy was further tortured by the phone girls, since when they called over she was doing a stress test with Dr. G, who was pissed about the interruption of his rather packed office schedule to do my stress tests juxtaposed with concern for me, and their only comment was "She's alive!" Not that I had called, just that I was alive, which didn't rule out my being loaded onto a helicopter and flown to a trauma center at that moment. Which was, of course, Chrissy's interpretation.

At least the cop was kind of cute. And, as Dr. G pointed out, if something does happen I know they would take action. (Hopefully before my starving cats began to eat my body--KC would be the one to take the first serving, he is the most food-obsessed cat.)

Chrissy is an insulin dependent diabetic, who gets busy and forgets to eat. Usually one of us recognizes this and gets food into her before anything happens. This lesson was learned about six years ago, soon after she was diagnosed, while we were giving a patient a stress test. She turns to me and says "Laurie, I don't feel so...." and goes unconscious. I moved faster back then, and flew out of my chair to catch her while yelling for help, as the patient took this all in from the advantage of the still-running treadmill right next to her. He was highly entertained.

Anyway, a few months ago, one of the medical assistants comes running to get me and says Chrissy's 'gone down'. By the time I get into the other office she is sitting up, being supported by staff and the reception desk as others get her to drink some juice to get her sugar up. She looks up at me through bleary eyes, just out of being semi-conscious and slurs "Great. More fodder for the blog."

Well, if you insist!

It is highly likely that any injury I suffer in the near future will come from Chrissy's hands after she sees all this. But hey, someone has to be the comedic relief in my Shakespearean tragedy!

Hope the chuckles you all get are worth my embarassment ;0 ) Laurie

August 22: General updates, nothing philosophical

Today is the six month anniversary of the fall down the stairs. While the ankle and foot are better, it's unbelievable it's still inhibiting me so much. The visit to the ortho guy was totally useless, his only statement was to keep saying "Get another bone scan". That's the nuclear test that shows increased activity in the area, can diagnose a stress fracture, but not a guarantee. So exactly what is this going to show? If it's positive, then it supports my diagnosis; but if it shows increased uptake that might or might not be a fracture, then it still doesn't rule it out. My point to the ortho doc was this: It's been six months, and what we are doing isn't working, so it's time to change what we're doing. This to me is logic. He just keep repeating to get a nuclear scan.

So yes, I'm exploring what other doctor to go to. But, there is a happy note....

Friend at Fellowship introduced me to someone who does frequency specific microcurrent, or FSM for short. Basically, it's along the same thought as TENS, sending electric current through the area which can increase bone growth. Technically this is only approved for pain relief, no controlled studies. So this is definitely alternative, and when looking up on-line there are a lot of sceptics. But one big surprise was under Penna practitioner it came up with a full-time person with the Eagles who does this, with a blurb on how rapidly it healed Terrell Owens' ankle fracture--whoever thought he would actually come in handy! And hey, no one has come up with anything else, so it's worth a try.

So, I ended up at a chiropractor's office where they do the treatment. I have a basic distrust of chiropractors, because in my experience most of them do more harm than good. But every once in a while a good one sneaks through. But this guy is a healer--really. And his tech, Cris, also has a gift. I definitely felt something during the hour long treatment, they were also going for the parathyroid area since that has a lot to do with calcium processing. There was quite a bit of muscle pain the next day, and two days afterwards there is still some present. But the pain in the foot is dramatically LESS, even after one treatment. I felt so much better just feeling like there was something being done.

(Note to Deneen: you might want to check this out: use google, put in the full words, then on the site go to practitioners, Don is in Doylestown.)

Martha had her thoracotomy last Friday, and is doing very well. They took out the right lower lobe and several lymph nodes. While the pathology is known on the lung tissue from the biopsy, the nodes are crucial to seeing if there was any spread. She came home the third day after and is already walking more than a mile! She admits that the narcotics round the clock are a must, which she knows is normal.

Joanne and her family have some nasty bug, she and husband John are pretty bad, son Joey has it even worse. She didn't say anything about son Jeremy, so hopefully he stays better. But send some healing thoughts into the universe for her. And this was supposed to be a long weekend at the shore as well, although the hurricane probably would have nixed that in any case.

So, those are the basics. Thanks for checking in, Laurie

Aug 15: Major re-write of April 26 re: Dying

FYI: I just did major changes to my discussion on whether or not I was dying, including changing the name. I'd like to think that the re-write is better than the original. See if you agree. Laurie

August 13: Relapse >>>> Meltdown

Almost posted on the 10th, Monday, to acknowledge the three year anniversary of the second surgery. It wasn't until about noon, while writing the date at work, that it occured to me. Does that mean that I'm moving on, getting on with my life? Sadly, it's that it was eclipsed by so many things after that, with the first and third surgeries being worse in their own special ways. And, of course, the very specialness of the thoracotomy, which has it's own painful place right near my heart; that anniversary will be September 21.

So, coming up on the six month mark from the broken foot & ankle sprain (I suspect worse than a sprain), and there was slow progress. Getting around better, able to run errands. Hoping to start walking outside or on the treadmill again, maybe go back to Curves, lose some weight, which should help the heart. Slowly getting the house into better order with the hopes of having people over. Happily planning the two weeks vacation in England this October. Becoming more social again, thinking about meeting new people in the area....

You know this is not going to finish in a happy place, right?

There has seemed to be more pain in the 4th foot bone, next to the broken 2nd & 3rd. The ortho doc thought it was just referred pain when I mentioned it at the last visit a few weeks ago. But over the weekend it worsened. And worsened. Pleasant dinner with Joanne Monday, but when I got home it was just throbbing. Inspection showed that the pattern of swelling was the same as with the other stress fractures. Not making things better was getting up and down all night, because something from dinner didn't agree with me, ending up with my calling out of work Tuesday. Wednesday I went back to using the cane, but it was clear last night that this was more than a little backslide. Today I went back to the boot, calmly recognizing that there was another fracture in the left foot. Moved appointment with bone doc for next Wednesday morning (7:30 am--yuck), but there isn't any question.

If it feels like a duck, looks like a duck and hurts like all the other ducks alongside of it---it's a duck. Years of medical training and experience, along with the fact that I've always been correct in my self-diagnoses, leads to the inevitable fact.

BTW, there is no chance of this being because of my pushing things and not giving it enough time to heal. Since the foot never felt great, still weak and somewhat painful , I was even more conservative than the ortho doc's instructions. Kept the boot on longer than he prescribed, used the cane longer than he said was necessary. Before the family vacation I was taking 15 minute walks around the neighborhood, and stopped when it was painful after a few days. Stayed wearing sensible, supportive shoes.

It doesn't seem to be as bad as the other two, and hopefully by toeing the line (pun deliberate) it will settle down sooner rather than later. But what if it doesn't? How much longer is this going to be an issue? Will it ever completely heal, or is this going to be permanent? I can't continue to make plans for travel at this point. After everything else, will it be the osteopenia that brings me down? Will my right foot hold out under the increasing strain?

Perhaps worse is that by using a cane and pushing myself around on the office chair at home it puts more strain on my chest. So, Wednesday night the chest was pretty painful. Today was worse, and then aggravated by picking up cat food. I did concede my weakness and ask for help getting several 18 pound bags into the trunk, but it was too late. The pain hit while waiting for the store guy to come out with me, and then crescendoed. I barely managed to get into the car before the pain got severe, and immediately swallowed both Advil and Tylenol. But it just got worse. During the 20 minute drive home there was severe nausea, either from the pain or being exhausted, probably the combination.

I stumbled into the house, past hungry meowing cats and collapsed on the couch. Tried to curl up in the fetal position, but that hurt even more. Everything just collapsed inside me, and I started to sob. But the throbbing worsened--it's just wrong when a good cry isn't attainable. Even deep breathing made things worse. My whole right chest was just agonizing pain--like a vice clamped on my sternum, front chest and around to the back: squeezing, a combination of dull ache and sharp pain. All I could do was lie there, propped up on pillows to reduce the muscle tension while the tears just ran down my face. Emotions were the only thing actively occurring: frustration, anger, helplessness, fear, isolation. Yes, folks : a real, honest-to-goodness meltdown.

After an hour of this things had eased up by a couple fractions, allowing movement to get a handful of peanuts, drink some milk and take a narcotic. Back to the couch, and after the second hour I was able to function somewhat. Everything is now dulled to an ache, although deep breaths exacerbate, but that is normal.

One day I want to do one of those past-life regressions, experience and see where I've been before. Because, really, there had to be a better life than this one at some point.

Interesting fact: did you know that Bailey's now comes in Mint Chocolate? Discovery for the night: Just a glassful of Bailey's makes the medicine go down, the medicine go down, medicine go down.... (Joanne responded that she could actually hear my voice singing in her head when I texted her with this happy ditty!)

And a real time saver: all that crying has reduced the amount of mascara needing to be washed off tonight. See? There's always a silver lining!

Thanks for checking in, Laurie

August 6: Post-vacation euphoria

Back from vacation! It was great. The weather was good, the best day was Tuesday. Most days there was a fair amount of overcast clouds, Friday was the only day that was completely rained out, but the evening was good for the square dance. It meant that there was the chance to do something every day.

The major reality check was the foot/ankle. The first day I walked to the dining hall (about 1/4 mile, a little less?) it was obvious that the cane was going to be needed. But the upper body was a pleasant surprise; I was able to do a fair amount of kayaking as long as the water was calm. My biggest accomplishment was paddling out to a small cluster of islands, which is the closest destination to the camp. I have no idea of the distance. But by doing a few strokes and then gliding I was able to make it out there and back. Emma was with me and promised that if I got too tired that she would pull me back to the dock---she's 14 and a good paddler. We were just out for a paddle and were half-way there and was a last minute decision to go for it. The only negative was that this momentous occasion was not captured on camera. But I was so proud of myself!

That night and a couple others I overdid it things and got pretty bad before dinner, but recuperated after lying down. Susan and I shared a room, which was wonderful--like having a sleep-over. And she really enjoyed fussing over me since she was in Italy during all the surgeries and didn't have a chance to take care of me--lucky girl! But she seemed to like making up for it. We went to tie-dye, and she saw my face after I'd been crouching for a couple minutes; that's something that doesn't work well with me because anything that decreases blood flow back to the heart makes me dizzy. Apparently my face told the story, because she sent Emily for a chair.

Martha came up with John and the kids, just having gotten her last chemo five days before. She was pale, but otherwise looked great. And she managed to climb the mountain--slowly, but she made it! She texted me today, her thoracotomy is scheduled for next Friday. Unfortunately, it's going to be an open thoracotomy such as I had, we were really hoping it would be laparoscopic. I spoke to John, and they are looking forward to just getting things over with.

It was a great week with family, more physical activity than I'd been able to do for the last several years, card and board games in the evenings, lots of fun! My cousin Billy just got voted one of the 10 best bartenders in Boston and demonstrated by mixing up a couple batches of dynamite margaritas. With no responsibility, no driving of the car and no work, I allowed myself to drink more than I've had in years--and felt it was very overdue! Not drunk, just happily tipsy, which felt good.

So, back to the reality this week. Work is a little slow because of some issues with the nuclear material, but that keeps the good mood going for a little longer. First time with a lot of pictures with the new digital camera, so lots to keep me occupied.

Thanks for checking, Laurie