April 22: daily boring stuff

There's always great postings floating around in my head, which is one of the reasons I lose track of when they actually made it to here....And I picked up extra hours last week, which is great for the bank account but tires me. Again this week, worked a half day today and now the next two days as usual, so I'm already tired. In case it hasn't been mentioned in a while, my normal days are Mon, Weds & Thurs, full days in the office.

I'm still quite tired by the end of the day, drive home, change clothes, put food down for the (very vocal) fuzzy ones and then am on the couch. While it takes less time for me to recover now: 1+ hours instead of 2 hours, that number hasn't gone down in months. So I usually stay on the couch through World News, then get up and am in the kitchen with Jeopardy on in the background, another round of feeding the cats while I get something to eat. Then do a few things around the house, clean up and back to the couch for evening TV (to which I am WAY too addicted!). I always try for bed at 10:30, but rarely make it until closer to 11:30.

After several months I seem to have found a better position for sleeping. There's one wedge, two regular pillows and two rolls of a couple towels. Two more pillows are at the ready as well. Wedge and pillow for head, towel roll under the knees for back and to keep me from sliding down too much. Then other pillow under my left shoulder so that my chest area has less strain on it, then the other towel roll on the right side to keep the elbow from going down too much and pulling at the right shoulder. For months I tried various positions with raising the right shoulder but it often aggravated the right back thoracotomy site. It's quite complicated, and very difficult to get out for bathroom trips. Made even more difficult because Chester likes to settle down and stretch out in-between my legs, and it's amazing how much strength it takes to move an 11 pound cat who is resisting having his comfortable, cradled position changed. Tabitha frequently joins us, although she is content to curl up next to me, or on a pillow. Zerla stays out in the living room and KC seems to change places often. A favorite is on the bath mat in front of the toilet, giving an additional challenge to sleepy, middle-of-the-night trips. It's like a weird form of Twister to go a fairly short distance and not disturb a cat.

Looking for a second car--did I mention that before? I LOVE driving a manual shift, which is what the current car is. But it's just too painful, especially on days after work or when I'm tired. So I'm trying to find a used car with automatic. That should be easy, but since I want a car with all-wheel-drive for safety purposes, it narrows the field. Any EMS person knows that even a fairly minor traffic accident would result in my being a "trauma alert" because of my being on the blood thinner (Coumadin). It's protocol, because even minor internal bleeding can be catastrophic. In Chester and Delaware Counties they tend to call the helicopter for any trauma alert. Which would result in a really big fuss over even a minor injury.

OK, it's after 11:00 pm, so take the bedtime pills (including the dreaded Coumadin) and move a cat or two so I can start the elaborate bed arranging.

Thanks for checking, Laurie

April 10: See August 13, 2007 posting: musings

P.S. Regarding my previously stated philosophy: see above posting for my thought processes on being sick, et al.

April 9: WARNING--contains religious content!!!

Have PrimeTime on in the background with the professor who is getting (justified) attention regarding his life lessons offered with impending death. For those who have read this regularly, you will recognize that he and I express many similar feelings: 1) You don't have control over the hand you are dealt 2) The only thing you have total control over is how you chose to re-act to the situation 3) Don't wait to do things you have always wanted to do 4) Anger wastes a lot of energy and doesn't accomplish anything 5) There is humor in anything and everything. (I hope that there is some major guilt out there for not having sent this blog to Oprah, Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters before this guy said the same things!)

The standard Judeo-Christian way of looking at things is that God has a plan, everything that happens to us is part of God's plan. If bad things are happening to you it means that you are either being punished or supposed to learn something. Even recently, with the co-worker saying that I had to have a third heart surgery because I hadn't learned what I was supposed to after the first two. Doesn't that sound harsh? But it was a view that I shared, taking it even further with my belief in reincarnation, which opened up entire vistas of previous lives that I could be punished for. But I stayed with the "everything has a reason" philosophy through the second heart surgery and horrid lung surgery. Right up until I heard the words "You need a third heart surgery...." Because I just couldn't accept that I had done anything, in this life or a prior one, to merit this much punishment.

But, outside of my issues for a moment, let's apply that philosophy to the rest of the world. Were the thousands of people who were hurt/killed/lost everything in New Orleans all being punished for something? Some evangelists and Muslims have said yes, that it was a "sin city" and therefore deserved the destruction. Does that sound a little like Sodom and Gommorah from the Old Testament? Humm.... OK, let's look a bit further: all the people, including children, who have endured almost constant war and strife for decades in the Middle East. Well, it is about religion. Who is right? Whose interpretation of God's word is more correct than the others? And do all those children who have been born in the last 100 centuries do something to deserve being born into a constant turmoil?

OK, here's the motherlode: Do all the millions of children and adults in Africa do something to deserve being born poor, starving and infected with HIV? Can you really believe that God really wants all of them to be punished for their prior sins? And if you do believe that, do you really want to love a God that would do that? Or are you just scared not to?

So, here it comes: What if there is no plan? What if God doesn't have control over what happens to you, good or bad? What if NO ONE is in charge?? YIKES!!! One of the reasons I left the Episcopal Church as a teen was that I couldn't accept the teaching that God already knew everything we were ever going to do or think in our entire lives. Why give us brains if s/he didn't want us to use them, to have free will?

So, here comes the philosophy of "When Bad Things Happen to Good People": What if God doesn't control things? What if s/he isn't punishing us or trying to teach us by the adversity in our lives, but is there to turn to for comfort, strength and guidance? What if bad things happen to us because there is good and bad in the world and some of us get more of the bad? My heart was doomed from, literally, embryonic stage if not conception. (Ick, have to think of parents and sex--yuck, yuck, yuck!) And if I believe that God "did that" to me, how could I love such a monster? Because the God I believe in couldn't be that mean. Parents: they're meant to punish you when you do something wrong. God: S/He is love.

On that exceptionally philosophical note, I must return to the prosaic and feed four hungry cats and go to bed.

Thanks for checking in, Laurie

April 4: It was going to be short....

Busy day today. Gave a three hour lecture at the PCOM PA program. That isn't a big deal, except the course co-ordinator and I had mixed signals about the content. I thought it was a 3-hour lecture on ECGs that I had already prepared and given other years, he planned on something else. We discovered this Tuesday (when I finally read the paperwork he had sent a month before!), so only had a couple days to prepare for it, and worked full days Weds and Thurs. Content and lecture slides for a 3 hour presentation are time consuming, despite my ability to talk (seemingly) endlessly. Also involved lots of examples of testing, i.e. cardiac caths, echoes, TEEs. And there is something wrong with either their tape player or my tapes, but they didn't work last week. So I was begging one of the echo techs (the other tech isn't speaking to me, but that's a WHOLE different story!) and did get three studies on a disc, which was better than none. And I found one cardiac cath on disc that showed a patient's blockage and then the stenting (opening up). But, with only a couple things and a fast approaching deadline, I used the most logical available thing: my own studies. I don't like to do that and make it "all about me", but it does solve one issue that exists with all the other studies: the patient's names are on them. No way to get them off, especially when I'm begging for them from other people. So, at least using my own studies means that I'm not breaking HIPPA (or whatever the dumb initials are for the privacy act are!) Silver lining. I guess it could also be categorized as "If you've got it, flaunt it", although somehow I doubt that was the original intent of the saying.

Next came a fun-filled appointment with my tax guy. Well, the fun part comes when he tells me how much my refund will be. Getting ready for the appointment was the excrutiating part. I went through A LOT of money last year. Two mortgages, two home equity loans, only one apartment rented while the renovations were being done, renovations being way more than expected (but aren't they always?), moving costs, new appliances; it all added up to a huge number which I was just dreading actually seeing. So, since it was going to be most unpleasant, I kept delaying doing my yearly ledger of expenses and finances (yes, I'm that anal!) because the number was just going to be terrible. But hey, on the bright side, my medical expenses will get me some money back. That's what happens when those add up to $6,000!!! Yes, I'm totally serious. Four flights to and from Boston plus all the hotel bills, including one for three weeks around the actual surgery, food, taxis, parking lot charges, and then the usual co-pays and medicines. Well, it's the last time.

Then went to Mom's in Doylestown, napped there, ate and went to my Small Group Ministry, which is always enjoyable. There is a very nice woman in our group who is about 10 years younger than me and is dealing with unbelivable family problems: two children with rare diseases who require feeding tubes and are special needs, two other children who need attention as well and a husband who is hearing impaired. She battles regularly with the County, State and Federal governments for support. While overwhelmed, she has a great attitude. She also serves as a reminder that as crappy as I feel sometimes there are many others who are much worse off than I am.

Coming back on the PA Turnpike there was a sudden stoppage of traffic. Stopped fully, nothing on KYW, slowly crawled after about 15 mins. Then the reason came into view: A car hanging up on the concrete seperator. Rather impressive. There were a few cars pulled over as well, and some activity. Both front airbags deployed, seats both empty, and I proceeded along without stopping while hoping no one was paying attention to the paramedic sticker on my rear windowshield. I then had a major guilt attack about not stopping, which is certainly what I would have done a few years ago "before sick". So the next several miles were spent rationalizing to myself why NOT stopping was the right thing to do: single female, at night with a bad heart, weak and damaged chest, on blood thinners, busy highway. Clearly the right decision to not stop and offer help; plus I stopped carrying my emergency bag a few years ago. But, believe it or not, it was still very hard for me. Because it is so different from what I did for 25 years and it's still difficult to accept that that part of my life is completely over.

Yeah, yeah, I know. "Concentrate on the positive!" Happy bunnyland crap.

So, I continued home to feed four very hungry cats, and now I'm supposed to be getting ready for bed. Guess I shouldn't have had that ice cream....

More later, Laurie

P.S. No, I'm not giving any credence to the "whining book" comment. Actually, I kind of enjoyed answering back. Proves that I can still dish it out when challenged!