20 year anniversary

 Today is the anniversary of the day that saved my life while ruining so many things in my life. Heart wise I'm stable, the autoimmune causes more issues on a minute-to-minute basis. Chest has hurt every day for 20 years, mostly just simmering in the background, but taking little to flair. Still can't lay flat, make my bed or open a window without pain. Clearly, it will never go away. 

Last year, my 60th birthday, I decided to do something that had been thinking about for years. I got a tattoo on the scar, outlining the shape. It's supposed to look like kintsugi, the Japanese way of mending broken pottery with gold, showing both that the dish/me was broken, but had the strength to put it/me back together, with the gold making it/me more valuable for having had the experience. I was warned that scar tissue doesn't tattoo well. Had the entire scar and the 3 holes from the chest tube done and, unfortunately, it does not look like kintsugi. But it did make it more obvious, and that was the secondary reason to have it done, because the scar was so minimal that most people couldn't find it even when they knew it was there. And I needed something on the outside to reflect the trauma done on the inside. Many people, especially women, would have been happy at an almost invisible scar, but, for me, there needed to be something that showed more obviously what I'd been through. It's faded in a year and a half, but it's made the scar much more prominent. I'm glad to have had it done, it had been a thought for years. If I'm going to have pain from the surgery every day then it needs to be seen, damnit.

Otherwise, I'm sorry to say that there have been no new epiphanies. What was surprising was my not needing to do anything huge to mark the date--is that progress? I did give myself the day off, slept in with Spice curled up with me, but then started doing things around the house. 

If anyone is seeing this for the first time (doubtful), please refer back to post Oct 15, 2019, which was the 15 year anniversary. In that post I give full history and refer to other posts should more detail be needed by a new reader. I never contacted T, maybe next year? 

While always staying busy, right now with finally clearing crap out, I stay home at least 3-4 days a week, and a couple weeks ago went for 8 days without going anywhere. And yet I'm always behind!

Have to take a shower and do my weekly infusion of Hizentra, which is a bottle of other people's immunoglobins, since the autoimmune disease or the treatment dangerously lowered them, making me much more likely to get ill. Believe that somewhere back in all this writing that the immunologist said that if I hadn't already been on disability for my heart she would have told me to stop working because of my lack of immunity. Since I've been on it, for about 6 years, have only had one major URI, so it's clearly working. Isn't pleasant, but it is what it is--one of my repeated phrases along with 'everything is relative'. 

Hi, Deneen! Would be surprised if anyone else checks in, please leave a note. 

Blessed be, Laurie