Dec 31, 2013: End of year musings

Confession: doing this on January 1 and then post-dated.   Just about the only thing I can do on this site, which still is giving me threatening statements about errors.....

Christmas was fairly quiet.  Neither Mom or I observe as a religious holiday (she's Ba'Hai) but she still wants to be like everyone else.  Ate at the retirement home in their dining room with a friend of my Mom's who is also living at Heritage Towers, I've known 'Granny' Annie since about 5 yrs old, and her son.  Then went to a movie: Mom hasn't  been out of the Towers except for doctor's appointments since this back thing started at Thanksgiving.  Movie choice was decided by the easiest place to get her in and out of, saw 'Philomena' which I highly recommend, but warn you that it only added to my hatred of the Catholic Church in the way they interpret God's word. 

Big purchase: I got an adjustable bed!  My mattress was 13 years old, and I've spent a lot of time there over those years.  I sleep with a wedge, pillow, then a pillow under each shoulder, then a round pillow under my knees.  Real pain to adjust every time I'm getting in and out of bed.   Have been researching for a couple months to get an idea of prices.  Walked into Sleepy's on the 30th figuring they would be more likely to make a deal at the end of the year.  New manager (his first day in this slow store) with lots of incentive to get a sale.  Got a wonderful price, delivery & set-up with removal of old AND a $100 pillow for free!  Mom going to cover the  majority of the cost as my holiday and birthday gift. 

So the last day of the year was spent moving stuff from under the bed, cleaning, washing the waterproof case for the mattress (which was more difficult than I thought), mattress pad, dust ruffle: all that upper body stuff exhausts me, so  had to rest frequently.  Bed delivered, and I was hoping they would help  me get the case on the mattress, but because of the vacuum packing and gel it takes four hours to expand.  While my cats are very good about not peeing on bed (not since Tabitha went to Mom's) there was no way I was taking a chance with a new expensive mattress.  Can't ask anyone for help New Year's Eve, so  I struggled to get the mattress case on myself, followed by the pad and then new sheets; just changing the bed is exhausting and causes pain, so all the additional stuff was a real strain. 

Food:  I'm finding that any meat, even in small quantities, is causing a major increase in arthritis pain the next day.  Had just a couple ounces of chicken on Saturday as I needed protein, woke the next morning with horrid back and left hip pain.  While I've been sticking to vegetarian very strictly, I'm still using a little butter, small amount of milk (although less and less) and occasionally eggs in a recipe or when eating out.  I've gained weight, however, by systematically finding high calorie foods that are still gluten free (GF) and vegan, such as French fries and Fritos, jams & jellies which are vegan but high sugar.  A  part of me knows that this is a childish response to being forbidden something, and it only hurts me.  Food has always been an issue for me: celebration, panacea, anger: all reasons to indulge.  I have to break this self-destructive cycle.  In my defense, however, being a GF vegan is almost impossible to stick to when eating anywhere but home, so I stick to vegetarian when out.  My goal for January is finding more tasty recipes that incorporate protein, which is always an issue with vegans.  Soy products are the mainstay (tofu, tempeh, etc) but I don't want to flood my body with too much of one food type, but most of the 'fake' meats have wheat/gluten in them.

There is more going wrong with my health, but I'm not prepared to discuss right now: still processing.  It is adding to my anger, frustration and difficulty in adjusting to this new life, which was supposed to make life easier for me.  Every time it seems that life is going to get easier another curve ball strikes me, and it's really gotten old and is overwhelming my coping mechanisms.  My journey as a whack-a-mole continues.  Not making things any better is that I'm still on the f*%king prednisone, in addition to the other rheumatologic medications.

Holidays are often difficult times for many.  Part of the problem for me is getting cards, which I love, but it's difficult seeing how everyone else's life seems to be progressing mostly along their expectations: marriage, children, family.  It brings out my sadness that life didn't work out the way I planned.  Yes, I know, it doesn't for many people, and the holiday cards don't let on the sorrows for the year, but it emphasizes my life's wildly abnormal track.

Did a very nice meditation/ritual for New Moon--a time for banishing negatives which coincided with the New Year so a perfect situation for heavy deliberation.  So: banishing loneliness, fear of rejection, food addiction and anything that does not provide purpose or bring me joy.  Based on the wonderful experience after my 'letting go' ritual July 2012 this elimination of negative will give more room for joy, love and peace.  Plan to get more involved with the Time Bank, which will get me out more and meeting people in the area.  I want to go back to making jewelry and finding some quiet  way of 'distributing' (ie not taxed), and really have to get myself on track with the writing.  That's all in between getting the house more organized and catching up on things not done for years--literally.

My wish for all of you is the same as for myself:  releasing negatives, and allowing in peace, joy and love.

Thanks for checking in,   Laurie

Dec 20: Again, just stuff

Lots going on.  Staying busy, but the lovely thing is not having to constantly push myself.  Feeling better for this reason.  Not having the constant stress at work is also a big benefit.  For better or worse I don't appear sick, which makes some people question the disability, apparent by their comments.  Still not sure how 3 open heart surgeries and continuing problems don't qualify....

On the good news front is that shortly after the last post my first check from STD arrived, so at least they are more reasonable regarding the paperwork.  Still doing forms for SSD.  Clearly I'm missing something, because it's beyond me how people fake their way through getting disability, or how stupid people keep up with everything.   

Can you sense the frustration?  This is with the knowledge that most people get rejected on their first application.  My cardiologist dictated a letter, when his secretary called me about where to send it I asked her to read to me and didn't find it strong enough.  She sent it to me, I re-wrote and sent back, along with an apologetic explanation letter of the changes.  Unfortunately he was in procedures all this afternoon and is off through Wednesday, so I'll leave a message for the SSD agent to hold onto everything. 

The big thing here is that with the STD coming through I do have regular checks coming, a huge relief.

My tenant gave me 60 days notice on Sunday, then retracted it the next day.  I had already run through the positive/negatives:  don't like losing the rental income while looking for the right person & finding someone as quiet as her, but can charge higher rent and not having to put up with her negativity & whining are pluses.  She is actively looking for a first floor apartment but knows she has to give 60 days notice.

Have a strange growth on the right side of my had, under my hairline.  Showed it to my internist, her only comment was sending me to a dermatologist.  Unfortunately it is growing, so guess that will have to be dealt with soon.  It looks like a cyst and I've had to resist the urge to break it open, knowing it will involve hair being shaved and Coumadin adjustments to resolve.  Sigh.

The squirrel battle rages on.  The fluffy rats are once again trying to hibernate in my porch roof, which is right next to the apartment's living room and causes more sound issues there than in my area.  Once their scent gets in there apparently it's almost impossible to get out. 

Bright note:  first time since living here that I've gotten up decorations!  Lights, ribbons and Lenox snowflakes up around the fireplace, looks so pretty! 

I had a GI thing this week that knocked me out for a couple days.  Part of the problem with having chronic medical issues is that they can get serious quickly.  I'll admit to being much more nervous since that spontaneous chest bleed last year.  My friend Holly knew I was sick and texted me Wednesday morning at about 9:00.  She became concerned when there was no answer, so came over.  After about 30 minutes of trying to contact me she ended up calling my home phone, hoping it was by my bed.  I woke to the phone ringing, saw it was her and answered.  Being unnecessarily apologetic for waking me she explained that she was standing in my kitchen but couldn't get any further because Chester was guarding the kitchen door and refusing to let her even get near enough to look around the jamb!  I hadn't heard her over my fan and sound machine.  I got out of bed, came around the corner and there my protector knight in fuzzy armor sat, tail flicking back and forth with agitation, clearly standing his ground against someone who wanted to get to his 'missy' when he knew I was sick.  He has a very nasty stare and she admits to being scared, added to by his doing several sneak attacks on her and knowing he's bitten and scratched others.  He 'stood down' on my coming out, staying close to me by wrapping himself around my neck and then coming with me to the bathroom, sitting next to me while I was 'indisposed', clearly ready to defend me.  As adorable as this is it does raise concern if I was unconscious, but it is tremendously reassuring that if anyone breaks in Chester is way more threatening than mace!

My holiday is this Saturday: Winter Solstice & Yule.  This time of year has been celebrated for millennia as the time of the rebirth of the sun, bringing the promise of spring and new life.  Whatever your religious affiliation I wish for you a wonderful season and Happy New Year.

Thanks for checking in,   Laurie

Dec 6: Just regular stuff

Deneen:  Thank you so much for your last comment.  I'm planning on printing it out to remind myself of what I have and can accomplish.  It was wonderful.

The last couple weeks have been very busy.  This vegan thing is taking a lot more time and effort than I anticipated, apparently it was naïve to think otherwise.  Fresh food requires more food shopping and since I'm not used to cooking the food prep takes me longer than it would someone who is more used to it.  I'm being about 95% vegan, allowing for my latte in the mornings and occasional egg or butter in something. 

Saw my rheumatologist yesterday.  My blood work is fine, although my blood sugar was up it wasn't a fasting sample, although the prednisone can cause that, so will be getting a HgbA1C to check for longer term elevation.  More incentive to stick to the vegan.  Haven't lost much weight, but I've gotten very good at finding vegan things that aren't healthy, such as French fries.  Totally vegan: potatoes cooked in peanut oil with salt!  As are potato chips, as is sugar......  Yeah, got to be more disciplined!  She says that it will take a couple more months before the diet could be expected to make a difference to the autoimmune issues, but had some anecdotal stories from her practice of people getting totally off their meds by becoming vegan, so I'm sticking to it.

Saw dentist Monday and the hygienist told me about these tablets you 'stick' in your mouth that stimulate saliva; wearing at night seems to be helping from waking up as much with the CPAP.  Saw internist Weds; don't really like her but the office is walking distance and she gives me what I want.

The disability claims are still being 'evaluated'.  SSD has already told me the earliest a check is issued by them is 5 months.  STD still hasn't kicked in.  The hold-up is the records from the physician's offices.  I know from experience that disability forms are low priority in offices, and they won't process them until all physician's have sent back the paper work.  Once the STD is approved it will be retroactive back to Nov 18.  I have planned for this and have savings, but still a little scary when it looks like another couple weeks before checks start coming in.  Certainly watching my spending a lot more strictly!

Thanksgiving week before and after was busy but satisfying.  I spent two days cooking, Thanksgiving was incredibly busy: packed the car with supplies and all the food, drove to Mom's where the chef made me a lovely vegetable platter, then drove down to 'Aunt' Beth's, which is below DC so took 4 hours to drive 196 miles.  I did eat a little turkey, Susan had lovingly made me a gluten-free stuffing, and there were beans & cranberry sauce without gluten.  A divine pecan pie was worth a chance, so I ate everything but the crust, happily without any reaction.  While the day was a lot of planning & driving, but then I stayed for the next several days, happily leaving on Monday with little traffic. 

Tonight is the office holiday party, already called the restaurant and they say they can accommodate my gluten free vegan needs; this should be interesting.  Tomorrow am going with Holly and her boyfriend to a Messiah at Ursinus.  Not feeling super introspective at the moment.

Thanks for checking in,  Laurie

Dec 5: The world is dimmer today

Nelson Mandela has died.  It was expected, how can it not be at 95 yo?  He has been in poor health, and it sounds like he suffered physically over the last couple years.

It should be the goal of all of us to leave the world a bit better by our existence, it is the most important thing we can do in our lives.  Nelson Mandela changed the world with his hope, his forgiveness of his oppressors and his idealism.  Few of us can hope to have the impact he did on millions of people, but we can use his lessons in our lives.

In respect and admiration for his life and spirit.....He now belongs to history.

LWB