March 22: Ankle, changing trip

Well, I've really hunkered down at home. Had a lecture to give Saturday for Drexel, had lunch with a friend in the city, then came home and haven't left since. With the thought of "For more of the same, keep doing what you're doing", things needed to change. So I am now in major 'not moving' mode: if trying to keep up with my life is keeping the foot from healing and actually making it worse, then that needs to change.

So, I'm staying off of it. Had Bidge come over and pull up the things in-between rooms so that it's easier to roll around. Got the new boot thing on Friday and it's pretty uncomfortable, but that's reinforcing my staying off the foot.

My chest has also been worse, because of pushing down so much on the cane. The new tips came, but they are very difficult to get onto the canes. Working on it.

The trip is rapidly approaching, which really raises concerns. I thought about cancelling entirely, but that really depressed me, although I did get trip insurance so it would be covered. I thought about spending the whole time with Susan, but that isn't fair to her, especially since I need more help now. Then Mom said something very logical: flip the weeks around and delay. So, that's what I did. I'm going to Italy first, leaving late April 10 and spending the next eight days in Italy with Susan, then I'll go to England on 19th, returning on the 25th. That gives my foot a full extra week to heal at home, and then over a week in Italy with Susan, which won't be as difficult physically.

This makes me feel more relaxed. It's my first time doing international travel with a bad heart, and that was concerning enough. Adding coping with a badly sprained/stress fractured foot just raises the ante, especially traveling alone. When I get tired the pumphead comes back, and I don't function very well. I'll be a perfect mark for being robbed or taken advantage of, and that doesn't sound like fun. This way the foot gets two additional weeks before England, which is where I'll need to be especially mobile.

So, please send healing thoughts while I spend as much time as possible sitting. thanks for checking in, Laurie

March 18: Ankle update

The swelling is significantly better. My friend AmyBeth spent over an hour on Sunday doing Reiki on it and it made a huge improvement. Still swelling on the outside and top of the foot part, painful, but not as much as the inside of the ankle, although getting better. I was hoping the aircast/boot could come off, because it actually seems better when that comes off at night; started walking on it more around the house, as per instructions.

So I saw the podiatrist today. He looked at the swelling, frowned, felt it, got another X-ray (they do them in the office, fortunately), came back in with the new X-rays. Frowned. Pulled out the other ones. Frowned. Kept staring. Then looked at me and said: "The swelling is what you see with stress fractures. Can't tell for sure. We should get an MRI." Um, no we shouldn't. "Oh, that's right, we can't" (Metal valve = no great big magnet) Well, wouldn't change the treatment anyway. And I was distracted enough while trying not to scream/cry that I didn't question it when he started refering to "them", which I think means more than one.

His consolation prize was the offer of a smaller boot. He figured things will be OK for walking in a couple more weeks, until he heard where I was going: Europe = cobblestones, uneven streets >>> boot on for the trip. Maybe it will be better by Italy?

As I said to him, I'm not going to jeopardize my foot/ankle long-term even for the trip, so if it means boot on and little walking, then so be it. I'm pissed, of course, although it doesn't help. It's just such a disappointment. This was what I wanted more than anything else: to go back to traveling, and this was my reward after the last five years of hell. And while it will still be fun, and still better than not going, it stinks. I'm tired of coping, tired of having things to adjust around, tired of having to figure out new and inventive ways of doing things, tired of having one thing after another go wrong.

NO happy perky bunnyland crap!! I will revert to my usual pragmatic, sunny outlook. I'm just not there yet. It's whallowing time. It's already less than a few hours ago. It will pass.

On the bright side, I ordered a new type of cane tip that isn't as bulky as a quad-cane but better than a regular tip, so more stable. And a folding cane than only weighs 10 oz. Due to arrive in less than five days. And now I don't have to worry about finding new shoes to fit the type of smaller splint that I was anticipating. And I'm going to look as pathetic as possible to milk as much sympathy as is humanly conceivable!

My chest seems to have sunk a little more and move more, I suspect because of the continuing pressure from using the cane. It hurts.

I'm going to do something fairly rare for me: shopping therapy. This is an excuse for a really good telephoto lens along with that new dslr camera I've been eyeing on eBay (reputable seller, supply place with thousands of sales--it's OK, really!)

Thanks for checking, Laurie

March 8: General update

Well, the week of hell is over. Fortunately, I didn't have to go in last Monday, which meant no coping with the worst of the snow and the aircast. The week was also complicated by it being my 'lecture season' and the laptop having Vista and all of my presentations having been done on one of the previous powerpoint incarnations. I'm having to re-do all of them, which is just time consuming and incredibly irritating. So, it was an unpleasant week. In the long-range scheme of things, however, bearable. Although that is easier to say after it's over!

I saw the podiatrist on Wednesday and he is happy with the progress. NO SURGERY. Apparently these bone blisters would have formed by now. There is more blood in the joint because of the coumadin, but otherwise it's a healing bad sprain. I'm able to bear weight on it now, which makes it much easier for standing at the sink in the bathroom or taking a shower. Wheeling around on the chair in the house if the aircast isn't on. The plan will be to take cane with me on the trip, which if nothing else will get me sympathy and help. I don't look like a cardiac patient, so this will probably help with getting around from a couple angles.

As of this past Friday it is only four weeks until I leave on my trip--WooHoo!! No, not canceling. Even if I can do less it is still such a milestone and means so much on many different levels. And I'm reminding myself that I can plan on a trip like this every two years or so, which means that not everything needs to be seen and experienced on this trip. Border's actually had a map of the area in England that I want to go: Bath and environs, which just makes it so much more real to be planning where I can go and the things to see. History and mystical places--the BEST combo!

Anyone who has had an injury like this will understand that even with doing better it still saps your strength and takes extra time to accomplish things, so I'm behind on quite a few different areas. Thankfully Kim & Rick came over again, Kim did laundry, changing the bed and cleaning while Rick drove around and helped me with errands. The college kids are on spring break now, so they won't be around for the next week and a half. And now it's time to get going with taxes, as well as looking into finally getting a digital camera and learning how to use it. There is more chest pain because of using the quad-cane and pulling myself around with my arms.

In another couple months I'm going to be doing a presentation on death and spirituality at my Fellowship. So this will mean trying to get the things floating around in my brain into something cohesive. One of the things that has come up already with this latest set-back is this: Is it really lucky when something worse doesn't happen? It's gotten a little irritating hearing from several people "Oh, you're so lucky it wasn't any worse!" Yes, I'm fully aware that it could have been catastrophic--I saw every variation of worst-case-scenario during 25 years of EMS. But I'm thinking 'lucky' would have been one of two things: misplacing my foot and not falling or falling and not hurting myself at all. Yes, there is perspective: lots of people have it way worse. But I'm not coping as one of them right now and I'm just plain sick of things being more difficult than they need to be. Whaa.

On that whining note I will sign off and get some sleep before another busy week. Thanks for checking, Laurie

March 1: The mundane daily stuff

I took it really, really easy this weekend with lots of time sitting down. As a matter of fact, I've spent so much time sitting today that my butt hurts, which makes it even more unbelievable that the damn ankle still hurts as well. Yesterday my only foray out was to the haridresser's, then took myself to Friendly's because I had a craving for total junk food: loaded potatoes and ice cream. No nutritional benefits and straight calories, but gluten-free!

Yesterday one of the nice young ladies from the college came over and cleaned, ran up and down the stairs, and had picked up kitty litter and peanuts at Target for me. I sat and cleaned off my desk. Since Chester hates the vacuum cleaner he didn't bother her at all, so no issue on that account. And the house looks much better. I use the office chair to scoot around and not put any weight on the leg at all. And I was too full from all the junk to even care about eating.

Today I puttered around on the chair, the ankle has at least improved enough that I can bear weight while standing with a couple steps assisted by a quad-cane. My friend Rick came up after Fellowship, bringing a gluten-free casserole from another member. He made a run to the grocery store and pharmacy, ran up and down the stairs a few more times (it's amazing the amount of stuff that needs to go down or come up from there--who knew?!) and drove my car around from the front of the house to the garage in preparation for the impending storm. My tenant called and offered me help tomorrow, so I'm going to have her drive me around to the alley to my car. This gives a couple real benefits: the car doesn't have to be cleaned off and I only have to walk to the curb instead of the uneven ground up to the garage, which is over twice as far as well.

Tomorrow is only a half day and, quite frankly, I'm hoping that enough patients cancel that I won't have to go in at all. It's probably a pretty realistic wish.

The 'air cast' is quite impressive looking--at the office they say it makes it look like I've had a transplant from the Terminator's outfit. It has bladders on the inside that can be deflated or inflated to personalize the fit and has a rocker on the bottom which somehow keeps the ankle from having weight put on it, I'm not really sure how that works. It's pretty heavy, about 5-6 pounds, and throws your gait off, so it makes the hips and back really hurt. But it means no crutches, and that's the key for me. The chest really hurt and is fine now.

My mood is better, relatively speaking. Now having coped for the past week I'm certainly back in the groove. But I still resent the whole thing. And, not sure I mentioned, the big trip to England and Italy is now less than five weeks. If I don't need surgery, then I'll go--with a smaller air cast and a cane and milking it for all it's worth.

Well, it's time to rest on the couch and give my butt a break. Thanks for checking, Laurie