Kept delaying writing because I wanted to do something deep and meaningful to mark the end of the year, but just not feeling very literary. So, I'm afraid, you are settling for 'something is better than nothing'.
Will reschedule for Boston soon. Maybe. Trying to coordinate it with cousins in NY, plus work schedule. And my weight is up again--8.5 pounds in 5 weeks. It takes me cutting back on calories to about 1,000 day to lose weight, which means only about 1,200 to 1,300 to maintain. So over the holidays just with increased socializing and the like it isn't hard to eat 1,500, which is what most people do to lose weight. That additional 500 calories is a lot, and makes the lack of it makes me feel a lot more deprived. So, I'm back to 'why go up to get yelled at and be told I have to lose weight?' philosophy, which is not to say that I've given up, just lost some steam. Hey, Oprah has dozens of people to take care of her every whim and desire and she can't keep it off, either.
The problem is this: If I do nothing but work and the bare essentials of living (shopping, errands, etc), then I can do the treadmill, which seems to help the most with the weight loss. But, if I want to do anything else, such as go out a bit more and have some fun, then the errands sap enough energy out of me that there isn't anything left for the exercise. And I find that the fatigue is very cumulative: if I do a lot in a day or two, then it takes several days to recuperate, so it doesn't pay to get overly tired. And I'm starting to want to get out and about more, which I inelegantly refer to as 'sticking my head out of the burrow' like a meerkat/rabbit/groundhog. I figure this is a good thing, and shows continued improvements, but it is still energy-sapping. And, of course, work has to take first preference in my time since that's what pays the bills. It's been so long since I've had the desire to do anything other than lie on my couch and watch TV, and very exciting to feel like doing more, but I just forgot how much effort it takes.
And looking around at the unorganized mess of the house motivates me to get my surroundings looking better, which involves more than just cleaning and picking up, because it has never been organized appropriately since I've lived here, taking into account the circumstances that have been going on for the last year and a half. Although after considering the inside of the garage from several different angles this afternoon I have come to the conclusion that one more couple hour session with a helper should clear enough space to get the old car in, which would be a major accomplishment.
In other news, the lady from church with newly found breast cancer has found out that there are four smaller tumors instead of just one large one, and several lymph nodes look suspicious. This week she will get second opinions on the debate of chemo before surgery and then make a decision. She seems to be holding up well, has a lot of family support.
It is very difficult to know how to react to someone's tragedy, be it death in the family or illness, which is why I chose my words very carefully in that prior post. There are some people who seem to be comforted by people telling them that 'everything's going to be fine', but that falls under my heading of "happy, perky bunnyland crap", because it's not realistic. A lot of people don't like realism, however, so that soothing stuff may be helpful to them. But I've talked to an awful lot of people who don't appreciate those usual trite phrases, and it brings up the issue that Barbara summed up: who are you saying it for--them or you? Are you trying to comfort them, or are you trying to cope with your own reaction to the issue, such as your own fears? You have to be pretty monstrous to not care about seeing someone else's pain, even if you don't know them well, so some of it certainly is wanting to believe that 'everything will be all right, everything's fine' because you truly want things to be OK. Somehow offering those words is supposed to be comforting, but speaking from personal experience, it frequently is not. The only way I can explain my reaction to those sorts of phrases is by calling it trivializing the issue. It might very well be that, in the long run, you are OK. You either get better or you adjust, you deal with a loved ones death and always miss them but you go on, you often are "OK" a year or so out. But that's because you have gone through a process of grieving, whether it be for your former self or former life or the loved one who is dead. And someone who doesn't really understand what you are going through, because everyone's situation is at least a little different, can't make you that promise. They can't make that promise even if they DO understand the situation well, for that matter. Which is why my plee/demand/suggestion is/was to instead acknowledge the illness or loss by saying "I'm so very sorry to hear of your _____. You will be in my thoughts and prayers." Totally non-controversial, or at least I thought it was. (Silly me!)
Well, that was a little more than I thought I'd get out, so best to leave it at that! Thanks for checking,
Laurie
