March 27: My response to responses

WELL!!!!

First, to Amy: welcome to the site. Thank you for your very sweet comments. Hopefully we'll meet at some point in the car quest. Tom's boss Don and I were chatting, and we shared stories about our valve replacements! He wasn't there when I stopped off yesterday.

Secondly, to the "anonymous" who posted the advertisement for the "Dr. Laura" book: really, I'm sure you meant well. Let's go with that as my response. Considering that I'm working three days a week for about 25 hours, lecturing at two university PA programs, functioning and "being responsible" with a minimum of help, participating in my Fellowship's services and not in a locked mental health unit, I think I'll pass on the rah-rah outlook for now. Oh, and this has not been years of self-pity and whining--it's only been eight months since the last surgery.

Clearly, you have missed the purpose of checking my blog, which is to gain a realistic view of one person's difficult journey in adjusting to a life that has been shattered by critical illness. You also have not been paying much attention to my prior posts detailing my generally positive, if sarcastic, way of looking at things. I've been resisting putting down the negative stuff because it's depressing. It's also reality. I also didn't do a "full disclosure" for exactly this reason: I don't need to be judged. You can take a hike along with the person who informed me at work today that the reason I had to go through a third horrid surgery was because I hadn't learned what I was supposed to from the first two.

Deneen: should you choose to read the book, I hope it gives you new insights.

But, for those who might be tempted to "show me the way" to mental bliss and happy-perky-bunnyland I have this to say: If you don't like the my whine, stay away from my cheese!

Oh, and BTW: I worked for three years in crisis psych and have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Temple University. I speak from years of clinical and didactic training that show that bottling up your emotions only leads to psychological and physical problems in the future. This blog is my venue to vent.

BTW2: While she is a licensed therapist, "Dr Laura" has her PhD in physiology, so feel free to consult with her about your exercise routine.

Now, let the comments commence!

Laurie

Mar 16: Get some cheese to go with my whine...

So, the two and a half "weeks of hell" are finally over. Carrie is back to work tomorrow--Yeah!!
It was good being back in the hospital and seeing people, but I was so exhausted all the time. I actually had to cancel going up to see Lyle's All County Band Concert because I was just too tired. (Which reminds me, I was going to call and set up another weekend in the future....)

All right, here comes the whine. I'm not feeling any better. There hasn't been any improvement in several months now. How I feel now will most likely be permanent. "But you look so good!" is a phrase I'm SOOOO tired of hearing. Great, but I don't FEEL that good. Almost every ounce of my energy goes to working and general errands. Little fun. All work. And exhaustion. And pain.

Every morning I wake up in pain and every night I go to bed in pain. The middle varies. Didn't do so well with the cold and wet weather, because that really makes things hurt. Even had pain in the chest tube site when I was really tired over the past weeks. That made it a continuous swath of pain from the sternum around to the right back/shoulder. When I cough I feel my lung hitting the mesh that's holding it in my chest. When I take a deep breath I feel my lung hitting the mesh. And when I'm tired, the pain is worse. Which makes me wonder: is some of the fatigue due to the pain? Or is the pain when I am overextending myself and part of that? It hurts now. It's still a problem getting comfortable in bed. Driving hurts. Breathing hurts.

No, I am not forgetting that I'm better than a lot of people. No, I am not forgetting that my breathing is better than it has been in years (decades?). Yes, I am happy that I can climb the stairs from my basement without getting out of breath. But it's still an adjustment mentally to realize that this is probably what I'll be working with from now on.

Today was a good day emotionally. But some days I'm pretty depressed. I'm not a lot of fun those days. And as much as everyone is used to me happily chattering away, it's mostly an act. Because most days I just can't wait to get home and be by myself. In my case, misery doesn't like company.

But, in my comparison to the absolute low, things are better than they have been at other times: I can wipe my own butt. That really does keep things in perspective.

I'm taking a darvocet (or two) and going to bed.

Thanks for checking, Laurie

March 10: short updates

Roger's funeral was today. Definitely served to remind me of the many reasons while I am vehemently NOT Catholic. The priest said that Roger wasn't in heaven yet, and needed our continued prayers (and of course mass cards) to get in there. This about a man who has spent his entire life in service to others?! Personally, I think that if there is a heaven Roger was on the express elevator straight in. Enough said, I don't want to diss anyone else's faith.

It was nice seeing several people I hadn't seen in years. It's just a shame that it takes funerals to do this. Of course, I thought I would be "up there" watching all at you at my funeral, so shouldn't really complain.

Bad news: My friend Kevan Williams' mother passed away on Friday. She was in a nursing home and had Alzheimer's, but it's still the loss of his mother.

Good news: Katie, who frequently leaves responses, called me last week to tell me that Matt is coming back from Iraq for his two week break. I won't go out to Ohio, although I hope we'll talk several times. The most important thing is for him to get to know his son Casey (seen with Katie in the small photo in the responses) who was only 2-3 weeks old when Matt left.

And next week is when Carrie is back from her honeymoon. I can't wait.

More about me next time, thanks for checking in. Laurie

March 5: P.P.S. Bucks EMS

Roger died this morning at 8:45. His wife, Jeannie, had spent Monday night and last night with him, and was with him when he passed. She said the last few hours were horrible, he was in terrible pain despite the morphine.

I gave Jeannie a copy of "When Bad things happen to Good People" when I went in yesterday. Along with it I gave her a copy of Definition of Success, attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson. I wanted it read at my funeral, but felt it should be shared with Roger as he certainly lived up to this creed:

The Definition of Success

To laugh often and love much;

to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children;

to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty;

to find the best in others;

to give one's self;

to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.;

to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--

this is to have succeeded."

Goodbye to Roger Florian, a very successful person. Go with God and Rest in Peace, my friend.

Laurie

3/2: P.S. for Bucks EMS

Deliberately seperating this from my lament....

For those of you from Bucks County EMS and have been around for 20 years or so, this is a sad update. Roger Florian, a former CB paramedic who was in either the first or second paramedic class held in Bucks, is very ill. His mother, Flo Florian, has been a longtime volunteer EMT and more recently office staff at CB, recently retired from there. His brothers Mike and Brian were also CB members, so a real family affair in the 1980's. Roger has been battling renal cell cancer for several years now. He and I have kept up with each other's ups and downs over the last few years, although we hadn't talked since before my last surgery.

Please keep Roger and his family in your thoughts and prayers. His situation is very grave.

Laurie

March 2: If you can't say something nice....

Good God, I had lost track of the fact that it has been over a month since my last posting. My apologies to Deneen and anyone else who still checks regularly, although most have probably stopped by now, assuming I wasn't posting anymore.

Well, as the heading says: .....don't say anything. As you are aware, and commented on even after my last posting on my birthday, I have really tried to keep looking at things from a positive standpoint. I'm afraid that mindset is not working really well at this point. There have been no improvements in the last 2-3 months, and I'm afraid that this is the level that I may be stuck at. While I am coping, and have been working three days a week which gets me by financially (with little wiggle room, however) it seems that's the most I can do. The days off are still spent recuperating and doing the errands that most people can do in a few hours. Last week was the timeframe I have been dreading, Carrie being off for two and a half weeks. (BTW: wedding was on Saturday, Carrie looked gorgeous and the reception was just incredible--very lavish.) So last week I had to work four full days, including two in the hospital. On the plus side, I loved being back at DelCo (Delaware County Memorial Hospital) and seeing lots of people. But at the end of eight hours I was so exhausted that I had to rest before driving home. But I felt better with having gotten out of the office and being more stimulated, seeing more people. But the next day was rough, and Friday in the office I was just spent. Even my boss, JG, who has managed to not see how horrid I looked most of the time commented on it. The girls weren't sure if they should let me drive home. Yesterday was all prep for the wedding, then reception and all. Today I was too tired to go to Fellowship, just picked up around the house and did a little vacuuming--the dust bunnies were really taking over. And I'm exhausted, which is not good to go into the beginning of the week.

PLEASE don't give me the platitudes about giving it more time and thinking positive, etc, etc. I'm telling myself that I deserve a time of reactionary depression, and a true realization that this may be all I can expect from now on. All work and little play, because all my energy goes to working and daily living stuff. It's kind of overwhelming.

Yes, I think regularly about writing a book at some point, which is why it's good for me to try and discipline myself to write here. But it just sounds like something else that would take time and energy, which makes it seem overwhelming.

Thank God for digital TV and DVR.

I'll post soon, even if I'm still feeling down. One way or the other, it is a part of all this.

Laurie