Does jealousy equate to murder?

Throughout these unprecedented (overused, but really does encapsulate) months I've been grateful for many things. While others chaffed at the restrictions I was fine. Who knew that an isolated childhood and being essentially housebound for years due to severe medical conditions would have me so splendidly trained for quarantine?! Used to being alone for days, even weeks, quarantine didn't really bother me. While I was more anxious than most about getting C19, knowing that if infected I'd be on a ventilator and still die, I can honestly say it wasn't a terrible time for me, especially seeing what so many others had to cope with in life.  Steady income on disability with insurance. I shopped at 10pm, rarely seeing more than 4 people at a distance. Thankful for Zoom, Amazon, Chewy, and having gotten a house with a great view made it pretty palatable. Fellowship has lots of things going on, I'm on the Board and several committees, took on some new projects, watched way too much bad TV.......when I have basic needs, internet, books & cats I'm pretty content. Unfortunately I didn't really use the time well: no new languages, place is still a mess, didn't learn any new jewelry techniques, and only in past few months have I started really clearing out and organizing, but hey, I didn't go off the deep end--yeah, me!  I am rocking the pandemic!  (Please don't take my humor as in any way diminishing the horror or personal tragedies that this disease has caused the US and the world.)

Then the vaccine came out, and we all had hope. I was double 1A on the list with the heart and being immunocompromised, so I relaxed, secure in the knowledge that once vaccinated leaving the house wasn't as terrifying, although 'normal' is still not around the corner. My PCP office contacted me, told me everything had been sent to the County, I made a trip to Pville, saw my immunologist and was on their list, put myself on several hospital lists as back-up, added my name to the County list and then waited for the call.

Yeah, pretty naïve of me, right?

I debated contacting my old office, where my medical license is still registered with the state, and get vaccinated as a healthcare worker, but wanted to play by the rules. Many people, however, did not.  Several nurses who had already retired got vaccinated saying they were front-line workers. Then several people 'lucked out', driving someone else in for appt and there being extra. One guy got it in case the retirement community used him again after a year of not driving for them.  Then they started expanding 1A, so more people eligible. But there will be more soon, right? I just have to trust the system, my turn will come, right? But it got harder, the 'reasons' people 'got lucky' seemed to snowball. And then people over 65 who are way healthier than me, no health problems at all, started getting appointments, showing off their cards on Facebook. Everyone but me seems to be getting appointments.

Ever since 2004 I've been really proud of myself for not being consumed by jealousy. Remember my friend Michael, the guy who had the heart surgery for a different congenital problem and recovered spectacularly? He admitted that he felt guilty around me sometimes, thinking how resentful I must be seeing him flourish in comparison to my much lower level of functioning. I reassured him, honestly, that I was absolutely thrilled for him. (He does marathon bike races now!) I pointed out that recovery from heart surgery, or any major illness, isn't a game of take-away. His improvement did not come at any cost to me, it doesn't work like that.  

 It's been tough sometimes, especially with people who whine & complain about minor stuff and aren't grateful for having healthy bodies that let them do what they want. Yes, there are times that I'm a little envious, but in my mind  that's different than being jealous. Jealousy is mean-spirited, wanting what you can't have, being dog-in-the-manger and spiteful. Mostly I've been wishful, not even envious. Don't be too impressed, however, because sometimes my rationale was 'They couldn't handle what I have dealt with in my life! They'd have been crushed dealing with a fraction of what I've shouldered! I'm a much better person than they are!'  (It is entirely possible that these 'coping mechanisms' may cancel out the karmic victory of no jealousy!)  But on the whole I think I've done a damn good job of not sinking into the deep depths of the green-eyed monster.

But in the past couple weeks it's been different with the vaccine. Because now you getting the vaccine DOES take away from my getting it, because there's a limited supply. I tried to be happy for people, I really did. I mean what kind of monster isn't happy for a friend when their risk of getting sick plummets? How crappy a person are you for not celebrating that the more people who are vaccinated the more the risk drops of me and everyone else getting infected? Who resents anyone being given the chance of not getting critically ill because they're vaccinated?

Gulp......sinking down lower in my chair.....not feeling very spiritually advanced.....

The last week has been the worst, even knowing the J&J vaccine would ease the wait. I stopped looking at Facebook, withdrew from on-line gatherings, because every person happily saying 'I got the vaccine!' was like a knife twisting in my repeatedly-operated-on heart.  Healthy people saying 'I'm just so relieved I'm not going to get really sick!' when I know how little it takes for me to end up hospitalized.  (Refer back to Dec 2015 when I ended up hospitalized after clipping my toenails.) I devoted 35 years of my life to saving other people's lives, when do I 'get lucky'?  The anger was becoming acid in my throat, my late nights later, more depressed, spontaneous crying. I started spending hours on-line trying to chase down an appointment, even at 2:41am--yes, I was still on-line. Despite the calming voice in my head saying 'Don't worry so much, you'll make yourself sick, you'll get one soon.....', usually the little voice is so soothing, but this time it wasn't working.  And I didn't like the person I was becoming.

Why the brutal honesty of admitting my failings now?  Well, for one thing, it seems like only Deneen ever reads this anymore and she's been fabulously supportive and non-judgemental.  And secondly, I finally got lucky.

One of the last posts I read on Fb was a friend from years ago (I used to babysit her!) who posted that while she's not eligible for the vaccine yet she's been pretty successful at getting appointments for others, and offered to help.  She gave me new places to try, sent me websites. She called me again tonight, and on seeing her caller ID I answered with 'Just to warn you, I'm not in a good place right now.' and promptly started bawling.  I'd spent literally six hours on-line today (interrupted by 2 hours of dealing with insurance issues--also stressful) with little to show for the effort. I'd given up on the chain stores and started finding smaller pharmacies with waiting lists on line, so at least felt as if I was creeping forward. Then saw a couple more joyous 'got my vaccine!' emails from others and I just lost it. My comment to Rachel was 'I need to take a break, it will be better next week, I'm just gonna go watch Hallmark movies.'  Rachel spoke soothingly (more effective than my little voice) and assured me she'd keep looking. I was sending a hymn recording via link when my phone chirped, followed seconds later by Rachel calling, 'Did you see my text?'

It was a fluke. She just decided to check before getting in the shower, noticed appointments were opening up for tomorrow in Levittown. Her fingers flew over the keys, entering my info much more quickly than I would have, she hit 'enter' and lo & behold--an appointment and a confirmation number. When she told me I started crying again, this time out of relief.

Saying that you'll never be jealous of anyone is kind of like saying that you would never commit murder. We've all seen people do horrible things in a split-second decision, and hopefully we have the mercy to recognize that we really don't know how we'd react in the same circumstances. Would you kill to save yourself or someone else's life? Would you murder someone if it meant saving multiple other people, ie a time traveler killing Hitler? While most of us don't think that there is equality between the sins of murder and jealousy it should be noted that they are both listed in the 10 Commandments, giving them equal weight in the Hebrew God's eyes. Is it that once you've succumbed to jealousy you are more likely to give into other bad instincts?  Or that jealousy can, at it's worst, lead to murder? 

I'd like to believe that given some down-time and a good night's sleep that I would have returned to my usual balanced self.  I'd like to believe that I'd be able to be happy for others and secure in the knowledge that in the next couple weeks increased availability will lead to many more appointments.  I'd like to believe that I've grown enough spiritually to have gone back to being the better person, or at least the better me. Fortunately now I will not run any risk of having any of those beliefs shattered.

Since I'm not Jewish or Catholic (oh, the joy of being UU!) there will be no need for forgiveness or penance. I believe that admitting my uncharitable pettiness to those who got appointments earlier would only create problems, and also believe that most people would be merciful of my terror.  But this is a reminder at how little it can take, and how quickly it can happen, that you become a person you swore you would never become.

But I'm still using this as an excuse to watch a sappy movie, because right now I just need the reassurance that in the end things will work out and everyone will be happy.