Dec 31, 2013: End of year musings

Confession: doing this on January 1 and then post-dated.   Just about the only thing I can do on this site, which still is giving me threatening statements about errors.....

Christmas was fairly quiet.  Neither Mom or I observe as a religious holiday (she's Ba'Hai) but she still wants to be like everyone else.  Ate at the retirement home in their dining room with a friend of my Mom's who is also living at Heritage Towers, I've known 'Granny' Annie since about 5 yrs old, and her son.  Then went to a movie: Mom hasn't  been out of the Towers except for doctor's appointments since this back thing started at Thanksgiving.  Movie choice was decided by the easiest place to get her in and out of, saw 'Philomena' which I highly recommend, but warn you that it only added to my hatred of the Catholic Church in the way they interpret God's word. 

Big purchase: I got an adjustable bed!  My mattress was 13 years old, and I've spent a lot of time there over those years.  I sleep with a wedge, pillow, then a pillow under each shoulder, then a round pillow under my knees.  Real pain to adjust every time I'm getting in and out of bed.   Have been researching for a couple months to get an idea of prices.  Walked into Sleepy's on the 30th figuring they would be more likely to make a deal at the end of the year.  New manager (his first day in this slow store) with lots of incentive to get a sale.  Got a wonderful price, delivery & set-up with removal of old AND a $100 pillow for free!  Mom going to cover the  majority of the cost as my holiday and birthday gift. 

So the last day of the year was spent moving stuff from under the bed, cleaning, washing the waterproof case for the mattress (which was more difficult than I thought), mattress pad, dust ruffle: all that upper body stuff exhausts me, so  had to rest frequently.  Bed delivered, and I was hoping they would help  me get the case on the mattress, but because of the vacuum packing and gel it takes four hours to expand.  While my cats are very good about not peeing on bed (not since Tabitha went to Mom's) there was no way I was taking a chance with a new expensive mattress.  Can't ask anyone for help New Year's Eve, so  I struggled to get the mattress case on myself, followed by the pad and then new sheets; just changing the bed is exhausting and causes pain, so all the additional stuff was a real strain. 

Food:  I'm finding that any meat, even in small quantities, is causing a major increase in arthritis pain the next day.  Had just a couple ounces of chicken on Saturday as I needed protein, woke the next morning with horrid back and left hip pain.  While I've been sticking to vegetarian very strictly, I'm still using a little butter, small amount of milk (although less and less) and occasionally eggs in a recipe or when eating out.  I've gained weight, however, by systematically finding high calorie foods that are still gluten free (GF) and vegan, such as French fries and Fritos, jams & jellies which are vegan but high sugar.  A  part of me knows that this is a childish response to being forbidden something, and it only hurts me.  Food has always been an issue for me: celebration, panacea, anger: all reasons to indulge.  I have to break this self-destructive cycle.  In my defense, however, being a GF vegan is almost impossible to stick to when eating anywhere but home, so I stick to vegetarian when out.  My goal for January is finding more tasty recipes that incorporate protein, which is always an issue with vegans.  Soy products are the mainstay (tofu, tempeh, etc) but I don't want to flood my body with too much of one food type, but most of the 'fake' meats have wheat/gluten in them.

There is more going wrong with my health, but I'm not prepared to discuss right now: still processing.  It is adding to my anger, frustration and difficulty in adjusting to this new life, which was supposed to make life easier for me.  Every time it seems that life is going to get easier another curve ball strikes me, and it's really gotten old and is overwhelming my coping mechanisms.  My journey as a whack-a-mole continues.  Not making things any better is that I'm still on the f*%king prednisone, in addition to the other rheumatologic medications.

Holidays are often difficult times for many.  Part of the problem for me is getting cards, which I love, but it's difficult seeing how everyone else's life seems to be progressing mostly along their expectations: marriage, children, family.  It brings out my sadness that life didn't work out the way I planned.  Yes, I know, it doesn't for many people, and the holiday cards don't let on the sorrows for the year, but it emphasizes my life's wildly abnormal track.

Did a very nice meditation/ritual for New Moon--a time for banishing negatives which coincided with the New Year so a perfect situation for heavy deliberation.  So: banishing loneliness, fear of rejection, food addiction and anything that does not provide purpose or bring me joy.  Based on the wonderful experience after my 'letting go' ritual July 2012 this elimination of negative will give more room for joy, love and peace.  Plan to get more involved with the Time Bank, which will get me out more and meeting people in the area.  I want to go back to making jewelry and finding some quiet  way of 'distributing' (ie not taxed), and really have to get myself on track with the writing.  That's all in between getting the house more organized and catching up on things not done for years--literally.

My wish for all of you is the same as for myself:  releasing negatives, and allowing in peace, joy and love.

Thanks for checking in,   Laurie