Dec 15: pre-Boston, reaction to someone's illness

Getting way backed-up with things to do. Tis the season, plus leaving for Boston on Wednesday. I had a rough week last week--just not enough down time and who knows what else. Felt worse and worse through the week and really had to shut down to recuperate by Friday and Saturday, which did not help the attempts to get a lot of things accomplished that really need to get done.

Tid-bits to ponder. A woman at my Fellowship announced this week (actually, her husband did the talking) that a lump had been found in her breast and looked very suspicious. She goes in for her biopsy on December 31 after meeting with the surgeon today, which should effectively put a real damper on the holiday season.

I don't care how much you tell yourself and everyone else that you aren't going to worry about it until you know more, you do worry. It may be beneath the surface of your conscious, you might manage to not think about it for great swathes of time during the day, but it's always there somewhere in your brain. You can't make the smallest plans without thinking about it. You can't think about birthdays and holidays that are coming up without thinking about it. You wonder if you are going to be getting treatment, and, if so, how you will feel, how sick you might look, what you will be able to do. You wonder how people will react to the news, how they will relate to you. You wonder if you will be alive. You tell yourself that you are over-reacting, that you shouldn't get ahead of yourself, to just calm down. You assure everyone else that you're handling it splendidly, staying positive. And, for the most part, you probably are. But it's amazing how just a few minutes of these thoughts can ruin your day. And that waiting for the news can really just be the worst, because then your brain just runs amuck with all the horrid possibilities.

This was my response to her group e-mail about the doctor's appointment and schedule:

The waiting is the worst, although a close second are all those helpful people who insist on telling you their "best" horror story about a biopsy or breast cancer. It's amazing the stupid things that come out of people's mouths sometimes.

So, do whatever you need to get yourself through this, because no matter how many other people may have had this, no one has your exact circumstances, history or emotions. People who have had the experience, however, do require fewer explanations regarding your feelings and reactions.

Give yourself permission to do what makes you feel better, whether that be keeping yourself busy or doing nothing. Personally, I tend to retreat into myself, which a lot of people have a hard time understanding. And be forgiving of yourself--you may not always be your usual even-tempered, nice personality. Sometimes what comes out of your mouth is not as well phrased as it might be under "normal" circumstances.

I'll send up warm thoughts and prayers to you and for you.

While I can't speak for everyone, I can vouch for many of us who have been diagnosed with something major and are struggling with the ramifications. A huge majority of people respond to your news with these words: "Oh, you're going to be fine! Everything's going to be OK!" And let me tell you: THOSE WORDS DO NOT HELP. They trivialize your feelings and the severity of the situation. They are said because people don't know what else to say, and so say what they think you want to hear. Or what they themselves want to believe. Please, I beg of you, avoid saying those trite, false phrases. Replace with "I'm sorry to hear that news. Please know I'll be thinking about you."

OK , way overdue to get to bed. Thanks for checking in again, Laurie