Mar 16: Get some cheese to go with my whine...

So, the two and a half "weeks of hell" are finally over. Carrie is back to work tomorrow--Yeah!!
It was good being back in the hospital and seeing people, but I was so exhausted all the time. I actually had to cancel going up to see Lyle's All County Band Concert because I was just too tired. (Which reminds me, I was going to call and set up another weekend in the future....)

All right, here comes the whine. I'm not feeling any better. There hasn't been any improvement in several months now. How I feel now will most likely be permanent. "But you look so good!" is a phrase I'm SOOOO tired of hearing. Great, but I don't FEEL that good. Almost every ounce of my energy goes to working and general errands. Little fun. All work. And exhaustion. And pain.

Every morning I wake up in pain and every night I go to bed in pain. The middle varies. Didn't do so well with the cold and wet weather, because that really makes things hurt. Even had pain in the chest tube site when I was really tired over the past weeks. That made it a continuous swath of pain from the sternum around to the right back/shoulder. When I cough I feel my lung hitting the mesh that's holding it in my chest. When I take a deep breath I feel my lung hitting the mesh. And when I'm tired, the pain is worse. Which makes me wonder: is some of the fatigue due to the pain? Or is the pain when I am overextending myself and part of that? It hurts now. It's still a problem getting comfortable in bed. Driving hurts. Breathing hurts.

No, I am not forgetting that I'm better than a lot of people. No, I am not forgetting that my breathing is better than it has been in years (decades?). Yes, I am happy that I can climb the stairs from my basement without getting out of breath. But it's still an adjustment mentally to realize that this is probably what I'll be working with from now on.

Today was a good day emotionally. But some days I'm pretty depressed. I'm not a lot of fun those days. And as much as everyone is used to me happily chattering away, it's mostly an act. Because most days I just can't wait to get home and be by myself. In my case, misery doesn't like company.

But, in my comparison to the absolute low, things are better than they have been at other times: I can wipe my own butt. That really does keep things in perspective.

I'm taking a darvocet (or two) and going to bed.

Thanks for checking, Laurie