Sept 2/3: Reality Check: long one

It's after midnight and I should really be in bed. I've been reading over my postings, with the positive slant of how much better I'm doing, improving weekly, able to do more. So those of you checking are, of course, happy that things are going so well. But in my attempts to be positive and always look on the bright side I have done myself a huge disservice. Because these improvements, while a very positive thing, are all relative to what I was not able to do following surgery. In focusing on the positive too much I believe I have given some false impressions.

I am still in pain a majority of the time. Doing certain things hurts less now but it still hurts. Sleeping remains an issue because turning over is difficult and I always wake up in pain. Even bending over to fill the cat's food is uncomfortable. The cleaning lady didn't show up. But the dust fuzzies were obscene, so there was no choice but to start cleaning myself, a little at a time. Pushing a vacuum hurts. The smallest kitty litter at Target was 20 lbs. It's still on the enclosed porch because I just couldn't go any further. I'm having problems breathing tonight because my chest and right back over the thoracotomy incision hurts so much. These are daily activities that just have to be done.

I'm dreading tomorrow night, because the trashcan is full and so is the recycling container--I didn't get them out in time last week. Even though the trashcan has wheels, it still hurts to pull it to the front of the house. The recyling bin I will drag to avoid carrying, but that hurts as well. I'm also dreading having to change the sheets on my bed, because it exhausts me for hours and hurts because of the tugging and pulling with my arms necessary to make a bed.

One of my main joys in my former life was being the one people called on for help. It has been incredibly difficult to go from that person to someone who needs help making her bed and taking out the trash. My mainstays have been Brenda, Bidge/Willard and especially Joanne. But Brenda has some personal stuff going on, Bidge has chronic knee problems and is still recovering from his heart attack and Joanne's father is still in the hospital (and back on the ventilator for the THIRD time). Everyone is busy with their own lives, their own families and their own problems.

Why haven't I called anyone? Because it's not a question of if I need help, it's a question of when someone is available. I'm here, day in and day out, with only a few appointments and errands to take me out of the house. If you have a little extra time and energy there will always be something I need help with. Everything is an effort, so I stay very close to home and rest after each thing I do. That doesn't exactly get things done quickly, even when it is something I can do on my own.

Yes, I am improving. Yes, everyone tells me I look great. Yes, I feel better than after the other surgeries. Yes, I can talk without gasping for air. No, I don't look sick. I will continue to increase my activities and stamina. But my chest has been cut open four times in less than three years, and each time has added an additional toll on my body. I am not just recovering from this surgery, but the past three and a half years. And while this surgery has helped the problem, I will always have a tiny valve opening which will cause fatigue, lung problems and circulation issues. I will always be a cardiac patient and I will always be compromised. My heart is not "fixed", it is improved.

I'm not complaining--it is what it is. And I remain grateful for all the positives I have written about previously. But please, please don't think that everything is wonderful, or that I am back to "normal". Because I am still struggling every day and will not know for at least a year how much I will be able to improve. It's a process.

So, thanks for checking in, although this was probably more than you bargained for! And yes, help is needed and gratefully appreciated. Laurie