August 13: How I'm handling things emotionally

Had a good weekend. Joanne decided that I needed some time away, so she took me to her house for the weekend. Amazing how tired I can get just hanging out.... Still need time to build up stamina. Good news is that I am now walking 1/2 mile on the treadmill. Gets me tired, so I will stay at this level for several days and try to increase the speed. And Brenda, who had been borrowing my car, brought it back tonight. So now I can run local errands. Very exciting.

Feeling somewhat philosphical tonight for some reason. So thought I would put down some random deep thoughts. Usually I save these meanderings for my personal diary, but as people keep asking how I deal with my situation, here it is.

-Sometimes your attitude is the only thing you have any control over. So you've just gotten a horrible diagnosis.... Can you do anything about it? Research it. Find out everything you can. Don't be a victim. It doesn't mean that you have to pull yourself together instantly, or even in days or weeks. But, sooner or later, it is in your best interest to accept that sometimes the only thing you have any control over is how you chose to handle your situation.

-Everything is relative. It's one of my recurring statements. If you don't have anything to measure the current situation against, then it can seem overwhelming. The worst thing for me came after the first surgery. The excitement of having my first BM (a VERY important event--really) was lessened by the realization that I couldn't wipe my own butt. Really. Had to call the nurse to do it. That became my benchmark for the feeling of total helplessness. Even when I am in pain, or coping with what I can no longer do, I always have the benchmark that at least I can wipe my own butt now.

-Your expectations change as your disease/condition worsens. Before both heart surgeries I was told that I was going to be "fixed", better than ever, better than I had been in years. Coping with the reality of this not happening has been one of the most difficult things about this whole illness. I know now that I will be restricted by having my chest cut open four times for the rest of my life. There will be things that I will never do again. My right arm and side will always be weaker because of the thoracotomy. That sucks. But I can take care of my basic daily needs.

-If there is always something that you have wanted to experience, do it now. In my 20s I dated a guy who went to Ireland with his family to see where his mom had been born. The tour group was mostly people in their 70s and 80s who had dreamed of this trip their entire lives. Half of them couldn't walk over the cobblestones or do any steps so they sat on the bus and stared longingly through the windows at the places they had wanted desperately to experience. This story made a huge impression on me. My childhood dream had always been to go to Egypt. As horrible as facing my mortality was, I got a sense of peace from having realized a life-long goal of standing in the King's Burial Chamber of the Great Pyramid.

-There is always someone worse off than you. Really. I joke that I consistently win the "My life is worse than yours" game, and most of the time I do. But I am very conscious of the fact that things could be much, much worse. I have a treatable disease. I have health insurance. I have access to the best surgeons in the world. I have wonderful friends and family. I have use of all my limbs.  My brain has bounced back incredibly well despite multiple insults.  I have a job with supportive bosses and co-workers. It could be way, way worse.

-Life isn't fair. Deal with it. Being sick sucks. Bad things happen to good people. You deserve some self-pity. You weren't expecting it, you couldn't prepare for it. Well, neither did our kids coming back from Iraq & Afganistan without their arms or legs or vision. And if you aren't pulled out by that realization, then take a look at the situation in Africa, such as Darfur. Self-pity is expected but don't let it take over your life.

OK, that's enough for one posting. Will someone PLEASE submit my story to Oprah?!?!?

Thanks for checking in on me, Laurie